Why do we so often struggle with saying 'no'?

Why do we so often struggle with saying 'no'?

I think most of us would understand that it's not because we don't like to say 'no', as much as it is about something we believe about ourselves.

Before recovery I was a person who really struggled with this and I understand why. As a child I just longed for my mother's love and approval. I tried so hard. I worked hard at at school and did really well but it never seemed to be enough. I remember coming home once, so proud, to tell her I had got 99% on an exam and all she said was 'What about that other 1%, what happened, what mistake did you make'. I felt so deflated. So disappointed. Instead of noticing the twenty things I would get right she seemed only ever to notice the one thing I got wrong. I grew up feeling like I had to strive and strive and maybe if I could just work hard enough she would love me.

That longing influenced every thing I did. I worked so hard at school and I ran and I would come home with top marks or blue ribbons or certificates and think that she would be happy with me but it rarely seemed to be enough.

I learned as a child that our worth and value is totally linked to what we do but if we work hard enough maybe we would matter.

At home I was always the one who volunteered for things - I would peel the potatoes, make the coffee, run to the shops, always saying 'yes' to anything I was asked to do. I thought I was the reliable, valued daughter. But I learned from my sister recently that it was never enough either! She told me that she was always told how I would do a bad job of everything I was asked to do just so I would not be asked again! How tragic that I tried so hard to please but was remembered as lazy and unwilling! Nothing could more clearly show me how my worth would never be established like that!

What I learned in recovery is that our worth can never be tied to what we do. We matter because we exist not because of what we can do for others. I didn't realise that until then - I was so focused on the idea that my worth was about what I did, I didn't realise it was really about who I am!

This is the heart of the boundary issue isn't it? We say yes with every expectation that we will be these awesome people who are willing and dependable and lovely but the cost to ourselves is huge - we may not achieve what we want and in the end we are just doormats whose own needs are often left unmet!

I learned that to say no' to others is also a moment to say 'yes' to myself. That when I over-function trying to gain approval I am really letting myself down! Every time!

So saying 'no' is about more than words. It's about where we get our sense of worth and value from and part of recovery is going to be about figuring that all out.

So today - lets all notice when we say 'no' but really mean 'yes' and why we are doing that, what need we are meeting for others instead of ourselves. And lets decide that today is the day we will say 'yes' to ourselves instead of everyone else!