“You complete me.” You know that line, right? It comes right before "I NEED you" (another puker). The completing-the-other bit nauseates me and experts like to classify that type of dialogue with a term known as “codependency.”

Ideeed, you do NOT need anyone to complete you. You should be whole going into a relationship, right? 

My guess is that those who feel like they are getting fixed are actually getting ripped off. That’s why they keep coming back, hoping that THIS time their partner will make the ouches go away, making them feel all sunshiny and warm inside. Instead, the ouch is bigger, the hole is wider, and they are feeling worse and worse as time goes on.

A relationship doesn’t have to be romantic to fall into the “toxic” category, of course. Many friendships, mother-daughter, boss-employee, and waiter-eater relationships, almost any kind of relationship actually. If someone is bringing you down consistently, chances are that your relationship with him or her is toxic. But if you follow these steps, you can start to complete yourself, maybe even look into the mirror and say, “You had me at hello.”

1. Step out of denial.

Be prepared to dry off as you step out of the river of Denial. A few questions will get you there. Ask yourself these, for starters: 

Do I feel energized or drained after I spent an hour with him/her? Do I WANT to spend time with him/her or do I feel like I have to? 

Do I feel sorry for him/her? 

Do I go to him/her looking for a response that I never get? 

Do I come away consistently disappointed by him or her's comments and behavior? 

Am I giving way more to the relationship than him or her?

Do I even like him or her? I mean, if he or she was on a cruise and I didn’t know him or her, would I walk up and want to be their friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend etc., based on his or her actions and interactions with others? 

2. Identify the perks.

All relationships, even toxic ones, have hidden benefits. Or why would you stay in them? So identify the perks. Determine what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship. 

Does he or she make you feel attractive and sexy again? 

Does helping him or her with kids even though it exhausts you relieve your guilt in some twisted way because you feel like your life is easier than his or hers? 

Even though he/she doesn’t treat you well, does he or she remind you of your verbally abusive mom, and therefore bring you a comfort level?

Are you so codependent and live in such fear of your own life that it requires he or she to do every day tasks for you?

3. Surround yourself with POSITIVE friends.

Lots of support and friends is never going to cut it. You need the right kind of friends, i.e. those working on their boundaries as hard as you are, who are not enmeshed in their fair share of toxic relationships and therefore become somewhat toxic themselves. The stuff is contagious. I suspect the risk for getting sucked into or stuck in a toxic relationships for people who have friends in toxic relationships is higher than 100 percent. So be smart with whom you choose to hang out.

4. Bribe yourself.

I know there are parenting experts that don’t approve of this technique, but I say nothing is more effective than a bribe to boost someone to their goal. Therefore, on your way to freeing yourself from the harness of a toxic relationship, reward yourself at various stages along the way. First, try not initiating any communication for a week. If you pull it off, then treat yourself to coffee with a fun, supportive friend, or a half-hour alone somewhere that you love (no computer, phone, or iPod). If you have been able to utter that delicious word “no” a few times in a row, go celebrate by downloading a CD of your favorite musical artist from iTunes or splurging on the chocolate hiding in the freezer.

5. Heal the shame.

Breaking free of toxic relationships has led to a lot of inner-child work and deep issues.   Why are you so scared and lonely and wanting the wrong kind of attention. “Because that’s all I know,”  may be a response.  Never lower your price tag for anybody.  You are worth  much much more than that.    

6. Repeat affirmations.

In a toxic relationship your affirmations may be “I have a good heart” and “I mean or meant well,” especially when you get guilt trips about not giving more to a relationship.  But these are not affirmations.  Do you have to remind yourself you have a good heart when you already know that you do?  Or are you doubting yourself?  Or possibly trying to convince someone else that you do?  None of this is necessary.    

7. Allow some rest.

The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.

8. Fill the hole.

Now that you may have identified what you were hoping to stuff with this relationship, it’s time to find alternative sources of peace and wholeness.

 Think about what you love about life and do it.  Not allowing toxins in your life of recovery is VITAL.