“You complete me.” You know that line, right? It comes right before "I NEED you" (another puker). The completing-the-other bit nauseates me and experts like to classify that type of dialogue with a term known as “codependency.”

Ideeed, you do NOT need anyone to complete you. You should be whole going into a relationship, right? 

My guess is that those who feel like they are getting fixed are actually getting ripped off. That’s why they keep coming back, hoping that THIS time their partner will make the ouches go away, making them feel all sunshiny and warm inside. Instead, the ouch is bigger, the hole is wider, and they are feeling worse and worse as time goes on.

A relationship doesn’t have to be romantic to fall into the “toxic” category, of course. Many friendships, mother-daughter, boss-employee, and waiter-eater relationships, almost any kind of relationship actually. If someone is bringing you down consistently, chances are that your relationship with him or her is toxic. But if you follow these steps, you can start to complete yourself, maybe even look into the mirror and say, “You had me at hello.”

1. Step out of denial.

Be prepared to dry off as you step out of the river of Denial. A few questions will get you there. Ask yourself these, for starters: 

Do I feel energized or drained after I spent an hour with him/her? Do I WANT to spend time with him/her or do I feel like I have to? 

Do I feel sorry for him/her? 

Do I go to him/her looking for a response that I never get? 

Do I come away consistently disappointed by him or her's comments and behavior? 

Am I giving way more to the relationship than him or her?

Do I even like him or her? I mean, if he or she was on a cruise and I didn’t know him or her, would I walk up and want to be their friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend etc., based on his or her actions and interactions with others? 

2. Identify the perks.

All relationships, even toxic ones, have hidden benefits. Or why would you stay in them? So identify the perks. Determine what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship. 

Does he or she make you feel attractive and sexy again? 

Does helping him or her with kids even though it exhausts you relieve your guilt in some twisted way because you feel like your life is easier than his or hers? 

Even though he/she doesn’t treat you well, does he or she remind you of your verbally abusive mom, and therefore bring you a comfort level?

Are you so codependent and live in such fear of your own life that it requires he or she to do every day tasks for you?

3. Surround yourself with POSITIVE friends.

Lots of support and friends is never going to cut it. You need the right kind of friends, i.e. those working on their boundaries as hard as you are, who are not enmeshed in their fair share of toxic relationships and therefore become somewhat toxic themselves. The stuff is contagious. I suspect the risk for getting sucked into or stuck in a toxic relationships for people who have friends in toxic relationships is higher than 100 percent. So be smart with whom you choose to hang out.

4. Bribe yourself.

I know there are parenting experts that don’t approve of this technique, but I say nothing is more effective than a bribe to boost someone to their goal. Therefore, on your way to freeing yourself from the harness of a toxic relationship, reward yourself at various stages along the way. First, try not initiating any communication for a week. If you pull it off, then treat yourself to coffee with a fun, supportive friend, or a half-hour alone somewhere that you love (no computer, phone, or iPod). If you have been able to utter that delicious word “no” a few times in a row, go celebrate by downloading a CD of your favorite musical artist from iTunes or splurging on the chocolate hiding in the freezer.

5. Heal the shame.

Breaking free of toxic relationships has led to a lot of inner-child work and deep issues.   Why are you so scared and lonely and wanting the wrong kind of attention. “Because that’s all I know,”  may be a response.  Never lower your price tag for anybody.  You are worth  much much more than that.    

6. Repeat affirmations.

In a toxic relationship your affirmations may be “I have a good heart” and “I mean or meant well,” especially when you get guilt trips about not giving more to a relationship.  But these are not affirmations.  Do you have to remind yourself you have a good heart when you already know that you do?  Or are you doubting yourself?  Or possibly trying to convince someone else that you do?  None of this is necessary.    

7. Allow some rest.

The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.

8. Fill the hole.

Now that you may have identified what you were hoping to stuff with this relationship, it’s time to find alternative sources of peace and wholeness.

 Think about what you love about life and do it.  Not allowing toxins in your life of recovery is VITAL.

Guilt

A critical barrier to recovery is guilt. Guilt acts as a strap in  a harness that keeps the addict trapped in his/her addiction.

The addict feels guilty because he/she has committed dishonest deeds against the people he/she cares about and the people closest. This is an integral part of the life cycle of addiction.

A person who becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol doesn’t just wake up one day and say, "Gee, I think I’ll start using drugs until I destroy my family, my relationships and my life in general."

Addiction almost always starts with a problem. Drugs or alcohol are chosen as a solution to relieve the discomfort one is experiencing by not being able to solve the problem. Physical and mental complications then follow. It all adds up to a serious decline in the person’s quality of life.

To be successful, a recovery program must help an addict face his or her transgressions and enable him/her to clean up the wreckage of his or her current life that has resulted from the addiction and dishonesty.

Before addiction, most addicts are basically good people with a sense of right and wrong and with no intention or desire to hurt others. As the cycle of addiction progresses and the cravings and other mechanics of addiction begin to dissolve the individual’s self-control, they get into situations where they are doing and saying things they know deep down aren’t true or right. All these dishonest or damaging things are done to cover up and continue their drug use.

If the pattern of abuse continues, the addict eventually becomes trapped in a vicious cycle of using drugs, hiding the fact, lying about drug use and even stealing to support more drug use. At each turn, the addict is committing more dishonest acts and, with each act, is creating more damage in his life and relationships. None of these acts are truly overlooked by the addict; every misdeed is committed to memory.

The memory of each misdeed includes all the surrounding circumstances in place the moment the deed was done: who was involved, the time, the place and what the end result of the dishonest deed was. The addict knows these misdeeds are wrong and because the basic person himself (not the addicted personality) is good, he will feel bad or guilty after the dishonest act is committed.

Over time, these memories of guilt accumulate. When the addict sees people or places involved in his transgressions, these sights can trigger the guilt surrounding the misdeeds.

More and more transgressions are committed. And more and more, people and things related to the transgressions become triggers that remind the addict of the dishonest acts. For example, perhaps a young man steals cash from his father’s wallet and uses the money for drugs. Thereafter, whenever he sees his father, it triggers the memory of that stolen money. It can be enough just to see a person or an object to trigger the guilt! Sometimes no words even need to be said.

Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling and so can prompt the addict to use more drugs to temporarily relieve this unwanted sensation. In this way, guilt helps maintain the trap of addiction.

The addict will also begin to withdraw more and more from friends and family as the transgressions committed by the addict increase in number. He will eventually pull away from the family, seclude himself, even become antagonistic towards those he loves. Remember, the basic personality of an addict is good and the reason they end up withdrawing from those they love is because they know they are doing the wrong things. The act of withdrawing from those places and people that the addict has harmed is the addict’s attempt to restrain himself from committing any further transgressions toward those people and places he cares about.

Many forms of substance abuse counseling endeavor to create positive moral change in an addict. One of the most popular approaches is the Twelve Step program practiced by Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, etc. In this approach, steps four, five, eight and nine of the twelve steps involve making a life inventory of one’s wrong deeds and determining who was affected by them. Once these are identified, the addict then makes up the damage created by his destructive actions.

This recovery approach can be effective for some so long as the addict still has the social skills to be able to communicate with and interact in a group setting. He or she must also have high enough levels of confront and responsibility to admit wrongdoings and make up the damage done. If an addiction persists long enough, an addict will lose even these basic social skills.

When drug addiction begins in the teens, individuals do not have the opportunity to develop these life skills. As a result, they do not perform as well in a Twelve Step program or other traditional treatment settings. In these cases, the addict needs to be educated or re-educated in these basic life skills before there can be any real hope of success in raising moral standards and bringing about permanent sobriety.

When conventional approaches are not working with a drug-addicted person, there are effective alternatives to pursue before one gives up. What has not proven effective is substitute drug treatment. Methadone, antidepressants or other prescription medications are designed to mask the symptoms of addiction that we have described. Essentially, an addict is trading one addiction for another.

These medications prevent the addict from developing the life skills necessary to restore his moral values and quality of life. Nor do they assist the individual in acquiring the necessary tools to remain sober. Thus relapse becomes inevitable.

So if guilt is just a message sent by our minds then why does it bother us that much?

The are two reasons guilt bothers us, The first is that some people focus on the emotion itself and ignore the fact that it’s a message. When a person feels down he/she may focus on doing anything that cheers him/her up instead of trying to understand the real reason behind this emotion.

Had that person tried to find out why he/she is feeling down and out he/she may have ended up with a solution to the problem or at a least a feeling of relief.

The second one is taking responsibility when others suffer!! Guilt can make you a responsible person but if you take the responsibility of the suffering of others regardless of whether you are guilty or not then you will certainly experience tremendous amounts of guilt. The moment you feel guilty about the suffering of others you have to ask yourself a question, am i responsible for their suffering?

Believing that you could have done better might be the reason behind your guilt, however; you have to put in mind is that you cant always control bad events because you won't always have the necessary resources to deal with every situation you encounter.

For example, if you couldn’t save a friend from getting beaten up because of your lack of courage at that time then you shouldn't feel guilty. Because you lacked that resource (courage) at that time you actually did your best!

You must never feel guilty about something that happened because in fact each moment you are doing your best based on the resources you have. These resources can be anything, knowledge, ideas, courage, money,...etc

This brings us to another way of overcoming guilt, when you feel responsible for the suffering of others just look for a way to increase your resources in order to help them and if you can’t find any way then don’t blame yourself because with your current resources you can’t do any better

Many people have wondered the differences of confidence vs. arrogance. The discussion of confidence vs arrogance brings to light many similarities and differences between the two characteristics. 

Confidence vs arrogance also focuses the attention on the way each of these characteristics affects the behavior of a given individual. Below is a list of differences and similarities between these two characteristics. 

Arrogant people are often solemn, self-righteous, and seem to be self-involved to the exclusion of others. They are haughty, demanding respect from others, and yet offering it to only a very few. There’s a “closed system” feel about them. When they condescend and when they pontificate, they have no idea how repellent they are, because they are not attuned to the effect they have on others.

When I think about the aura that surrounds confident people — the ones who seem free of arrogance — it’s always fairly good humored, and there’s a lively curiousity about the world, an authentic interest in others. The confident person is good at something, knows it, and is able to rely on those skills and abilities in a relaxed manner. The confident attitude is an attractive one, easy to be around; the confident person seems dependable and admirable.

Some arrogant people can be very good at what they do. No question. So, when we accuse someone of arrogance, I think we mean: “You may be an expert but your tone is offensive. You don’t see me; you don’t acknowledge me; you don’t value me.” And when we admire someone’s confidence, I think we are saying, “I appreciate your abilities because you can be a virtuoso without making me feel insignificant.”

You can decide for yourself when it comes to confidence vs arrogance which characteristics fit you best accordingly.

1. Confidence vs arrogance both involve believing in one’s abilities. 

A person who is confident understands they have certain areas of strength. A person who is arrogant also believes that have certain areas of strength. 

A person with confidence will also understand others maybe stronger, and that each person is a complete package of strengths and weaknesses so will remain humble in both. An arrogant person will often neglect to acknowledge weakness in light of playing up the strengths.

2. Confidence vs arrogance often stem from two different roots. 

Arrogance is often underplayed by insecurity. An arrogant person tends to be arrogant to compensate for areas of weakness that distress the individual. 

An arrogant person may seem to ignore any areas of weakness and only play up areas of strength, but they often do so because of an inability to come to terms with weakness. A confident person finds the root of their confidence in self acceptance - a key confidence vs arrogance difference.

A confident person accepts their weaknesses or faults, even though they may not like them. This acceptance enables the confident person to handle faults with grace and without further compacting the areas of weakness with arrogance. These are key points when understanding confidence vs arrogance.

3. The effects of confidence vs arrogance on relationships clearly mark the difference between the two characteristics. An arrogant person tends to brag and can put others down in an attempt to be the best or come out the coolest. 

A confident person is above such antics. They recognize their strengths and weaknesses, and allow that other people will have strengths and weaknesses. A confident person need not make life a competition, so a confident person is often much easier to be around. 

An arrogant person can be cocky and difficult to reason with, making conversation difficult and bothersome.

4. The physical manifestations of confidence vs arrogance also help distinguish them. 

Arrogance is often associated with a swaggering walk and a posture that is overly commanding and dominating. Body language of an arrogant person differs from that of a confident person. 

A confident person can adopt an open and easy posture that allows others to approach them. An arrogant person is often more aggressive and harder to approach.

Confidence vs arrogance involves truly two different characteristics, sharing only a perceived appreciation for a particular strength. Arrogance, sadly, often accompanies a lack of confidence so that the arrogant person still hurts underneath. 

The question of confidence vs arrogance is not a difficult one, and most people would rather be on the confident side of the fence.

It’s pretty human to use significant days as turning points in your life – and that is all well and good for some people.  For others, however, using these days for a supposed total change in lifestyle can be problematic.  I think this can be particularly true for people in recovery. Why? Because many of us have absurd expectations. Combine that with an all-or-nothing kind of personality, and you have a recipe for repeated failure. 

Of course there is anything wrong with creating a goal that you start to work on at a certain date, but frankly; I think the best day to pick is today and only today.  Today I will ___________________.

This helps to avoid the deal making and the  post-poning.  If you decide in early December that you are going to start a new diet on New Year’s Day, that means I’ll eat ridiculously badly until that day.  Why not say, I’m going to eat healthy today?  That doesn’t mean I’ll be perfect every day until New Year’s Day – but it sure means I likely won’t be as cavalier until the phony deadline.

The problem with creating resolutions based on a specific day, be it New Year’s or a birthday or anniversary, is that it takes you out of the immediacy of the day, and as people in recovery it is so important to count today first and remember everything else comes later.

This just means that if there’s something you want to do or change about your life, why not start today – maybe just a little step like adding five minutes to my walk or not skipping breakfast.

Rather than look to make a long (usually intimidating) list for New Year’s, what can you do today to move toward the goals you want to achieve?

Here are some tips regarding resolutions:

First and foremost, it’s important to remember that change happens in stages. You don’t just decide one day to stop and that’s that—especially when you’re addicted to substances. To effectively move your plan into action, you have to be mentally prepared to commit yourself to the stages of the process and figure out how you’re going to accomplish your plan step by step. It’s also important to understand that relapse is common. Don’t just give up after the first slip because you’ll never change with that kind of attitude. Instead, use relapse as a learning experience and start fresh again with your plan. But if relapsing becomes a problem and you can’t control yourself, there’s no shame in getting help. Recovering from addiction on your own is very rare, so going into a detoxification, rehabilitation, or therapy program is highly suggested—especially given the health risks of quitting a substance cold turkey.

Finally, it’s important to reward yourself and keep your eye on the prize. Attach some kind of reward for each week or month that you’re sober or substance free like going to the movies or out to a nice dinner. A reward system can help inspire you to stay relapse free and stick to your plan for recovery.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

AND GOOD LUCK..

......

STAY SOBER AND RECOVERED.