"Many people live in a state of eternal drama and chaos, but think they can get away with it by mislabeling it as passion."
That quote doesn't come from anybody famous-- rather, it comes from an individual and couples' therapist. The first time I heard it, I thought it was a rather "flip" comment, but I have since come to appreciate the basic truth it contains.
I suppose I have the perspective of having spent a fair chunk of my life surrounded by other people's chaos. Many of these otherwise good folks seem almost unable to function, unless there's some kind of "crisis." And if there is not an obvious crisis, in that moment, it almost feels like their subconscious goes to work on creating a situation that will create a new level of drama.
I am not entirely sure where to look for the roots of "drama," "chaos," and "crisis." Whenever I have been in the company of chronically chaotic people, it has always felt like their habits were somewhat narcissistic-- the "purpose" being to create situations that "require" a bunch of people to "come to the rescue" because that person's life has gotten out of control.
So many people I know start projects so often that they really cannot handle, often volunteering in what seemed to be the spirit of good work. But more often than not they get 10% into the project, discover there were difficulties, and would then start to moan and groan and solicit help until everyone within a four-county area had been alerted, had to drop whatever they were working on, so now (effectively) everyone willing is working on this "project". From my personal perspective, the fact that people continually would mess up bothers me less than the fact that they always seem to feel "entitled" to have everyone else abandon what they were doing, to help. What is also annoying is that they usually always presented themselves as highly "capable" and never will say "I might need help with this," up front-- but at the end would insist on full credit for having done "their" project.
Tons and tons of people "manufacture" chaos out of thin air, as an "avoidance maneuver." By making sure certain aspects of their lives are always in a state of chaos and disarray, they make sure that certain things would never come to pass, because it would simply be too much hassle to deal with them. Yet others appear to use drama and chaos as ways to make themselves come across as "special" and "different." It has usually rung rather false with me, perhaps because it seems so transparent-- showing a fear that the person would somehow be less lovable, absent the constant crises. The irony, of course, is that it is this very thing that caused the person to be less lovable.
I suppose I'd understand the whole "chaos and drama" thing if I could see that it clearly led to the person in question having precisely the life they wanted. But it seams that's a rarity-- in fact, I hear far more "woe is me" and moaning and groaning from chaotic people. As a group, they seem thoroughly UNhappy with their lives-- yet often thoroughly UNwilling to make any kinds of changes, in spite of the fact that they tend to put great strains on relationships and friendships-- and end up lamenting the fact their friends "don't return phone calls."
Is it insecurity that drives chaos and drama? Is it fear of rejection? Is it narcissism? Or is it simply a chaotic mind? And-- as one of the least chaotic people on the planet-- why do I often feel like I am a "magnet" for other people's chaos?
TIPS FOR RECOVERY
- Go for help. A reputable therapist or a recovery group is a very important tool here, because others can help you see your own co-dependent behavior and attitudes in ways you may not see yourself. Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) is a free group which meets in many places around the country. Therapists likewise can help, and are everywhere. Therapy clinics often offer low fee, professional services provided by therapists who are training for advanced certification.
- Make recovery a first priority. Like all addictions, co-dependency is insidious; you may recognize yourself in the symptoms, but then deny their importance, or deny that they apply to you after all. You make decide to change, and then time after time, find yourself doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your destructive behaviors, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing them! It means going to meetings, challenging yourself, talking with others about changing, and then changing!
- Identify with others in your group and begin to know yourself. The more you learn about this disease, the more you will see how it creeps into every aspect of your life, and how destructive it can be. Listening to others, and identifying with them can help you recognize yourself and understand yourself better. These are the first steps toward accepting and loving yourself, and setting higher standards, more appropriate goals.
- Develop a spiritual side through daily practice. An inner life is important to those recovering from co-dependency, because it will allow you to see that you are loveable, and that your whole world does not have to revolve around the other person. Your practice might be daily meditation, reflecting on nature, watching the sunrise or sunset, playing music and experiencing its effects on your body, praying to a higher power, working in your garden...any activity which is serene and focuses you on a source of nurturance outside of your brain.
- Stop managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important one. Here you stop telling the other what to do, how to live, what is wrong - or right! - with him or her. You stop intervening, helping, advising, trying to make things better, trying to fix it, trying to force a solution. You simply stop. You allow this other person to make his or her own decisions, for right or for wrong, you let them live their own life. This includes taking responsibility for their own mistakes, their future, their unhappiness, their issues and their own growth.
- Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings. Now that you have liberated your energy from the other person's life, you have lots of time and energy to focus on your own life. All the things that occupied you with the other might actually need attention in your OWN life! Often co-dependents in recovery say that they never realized how chaotic their own lives were, or how empty, how lonely, etc. Now is your time to face yourself, instead of dissipating your energy on trying to fix someone else.
- Cultivate whatever you need to develop as an individual. In facing yourself, you may see that you need to get in touch with your anger, or grieve what you have lost or what you never had, or contact your inner life. You need to sit still with yourself, that is important...WITH YOURSELF...and find out what you need to do, what you need to be, what you need to address to continue with your development.
- Become "selfish." At this point, you need to practice putting yourself first. Do you know how they tell parents on airplanes to always put on your oxygen mask first before trying to help a child with its mask? The adult has to be able to breathe and to have his or her needs adequately addressed before being able to help anybody. This is true for all aspects of life, not just for oxygen masks! Make sure your basic needs are met before you start giving away your time, energy, money, and other resources. Make sure you get your sleep, your meals, your serenity, and whatever else is important to you. When you are adequately supplied, then and only then will you have "stuff" to give to someone else. When co-dependents tell me that they really don't care what decisions are made, and it's ok for the other person to run the show, I tell them to START CARING...to show up and have an opinion. It is important here to learn how to advocate for yourself.
- Begin to feel that you are worthy of all life has to offer. This is tricky. Most people, if asked, will say "of course I think I am worthy!" But if you look at their lives, you may see a pattern which belies that belief. They are unhappy in their work, underemployed, bored or otherwise unhappy. Perhaps they don't take care of their bodies, and fail to consult doctors when they need to. Or they overwork, and fail to give themselves enough rest. One woman blew off her doctor's appointment to help her lover with some clerical work; another person needed to be reminded that she was entitled to take her vitamins and be healthy. One way to know the areas in your life in which you have low self-esteem is to look at the places in your life which don't work! What do you tend to complain about? What needs fixing in your life? In your personality? How do these areas reflect low self-esteem?
Recovery from co-dependency is based on increased self-esteem...a self-esteem which can be gained by increased self-knowledge, your strong points and your weak points, and a full acceptance of yourself. There is a basic self-love, which you carefully nurture and expand. You get in touch with your feelings and attitudes about every aspect of your personality, including your sexuality. You begin to not only accept, but to actually cherish every aspect of yourself: your personality, your appearance, your beliefs and values, your body, your interests and accomplishments. You begin to validate yourself, rather than searching for a relationship to give you a sense of self-worth. As you do this, you can enjoy being with others, especially lovers, who are fine just as they are. You will not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.
You also work on accepting others as they are, without trying to change them to meet your needs. You know that you are safe because your standards are higher; you become open and trusting, but only with APPROPRIATE people. You no longer expose yourself to the exploitation of those who are not interested in your well-being. Your higher criteria and standards are reflected in your approach to relationships. Now, instead of hanging on to your relationship for dear life, you ask, "Is this relationship good for me? Does it allow me to grow into all I am capable of being?" When the answer is no, when a relationship is destructive, you are able to let go of it without becoming terrified or unduly depressed. You will find a circle of supportive friends and healthy interests to see you through crises.
Your values change; now, rather than your partner, you value your peace of mind and serenity above all else. You lose interest in the struggles, drama and chaos of the past. You become protective of yourself, your health and your well-being. You come to realize that for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who share similar values, interests, and goals, and who each have the capacity for intimacy.
You come to know that you are worthy of the best that life has to offer, and you know that with help, perhaps, you can find a way to achieve that!
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