Accept Compliments.....YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Congratulations! You've earned somebody's respect and admiration. 

What do you say to that? 

If you're flustered by praise, it's time to learn how to take a compliment

 at face value and appreciate the best of it. 

After all, you are so worth it, right?

Have you ever been so flustered from an unexpected compliment that you practically insulted the complimenter and felt like a fool afterward? Accepting compliments gracefully is not a talent with which many of us are blessed. However, with forethought and practice, we can learn to give and receive compliments graciously.

Many people are uncomfortable accepting compliments and in their discomfort, make both parties feel awkward and uncomfortable. Perhaps this is done because the complimentee feels unworthy of praise. Perhaps it is because of wariness in feeling prideful. Possibly it is because the complimentee doubts the sincerity of the complimenter. Whatever the reason for fumbling when complimented, a simple "Thank You" lets both off the hook.

The simplest way to accept a compliment is to say "Thank you." For people not comfortable with accepting compliments, this would be the easiest habit to practice. For someone easily flustered by personal attention, it is also the shortest answer and could become an automatic answer with some practice.

Refusing to accept a compliment suggests that the complimenter had poor judgment, that they aren't perceptive, are mistaken, or are giving phony praise. The compliment offerer says, "My what a beautiful suit. It looks lovely on you." Your response, "This ratty old thing? I throw it on when I'm not going anywhere special." That type of response destroys the good feelings the complimenter was attempting to engender. The person extending the compliment offered an opinion and your response indicated that their opinion was wrong. This person will now be less likely to compliment you again.

Accepting a compliment with a simple "Thank you" is polite and by embellishing then returning something, both feel better. "My what a beautiful outfit. It looks lovely on you." "Thank you! This is my favorite shade of blue and I think it brings out the color of my eyes." Using this response tells the complimenter how clever, astute, and intelligent they are for noticing how lovely you look in your favorite color. This person would feel very positive about offering you compliments in the future.

My suggestion is to take all compliments, congratulations and praise at face value. Presume that anyone taking the time and effort to extend a compliment is sincere. If you are complimented on something about which you don't feel positive, accept the compliment with a friendly "Thank You" and take a second look at it with fresh eyes. It is possible that others see something that you do not. If you have had an item for years or have had an ability since childhood, you may take it for granted. When complimented, you are tempted to pass it off as insincere. If this is the first time the complimenter has encountered this item or ability, they may be genuinely impressed.

If someone compliments you on a job well done and you know there are hidden flaws, resist the temptation to point them out. Imagine that you have made a wonderful dinner with all of the trimmings including the dessert but something didn't come out quite exactly how you had planned it.  By pointing out the flaw, it destroys the good feelings the complimenter is trying to share.

It is much better to be gracious and tell the complimenter, "Thank you for the compliment. I did work long and hard to make the best dinner presentation I could." This is the truth and allows both you and the person offering the compliment to feel good.

I would suggest that if you have problems accepting compliments, that you practice thanking the person offering the compliment and go no further, and always present a smile. Once you are comfortable with thanking people for compliments, progress to adding a few comments to help the complimenter feel good also. 

Practice makes perfect!

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:

Why is it so many blame God for the world problems that man himself has created? He gave us the gift of free will to make choices, to do Gods will or our will.

DRAMA, CHAOS AND CRISIS..... OH MY!!!!!

"Many people live in a state of eternal drama and chaos, but think they can get away with it by mislabeling it as passion."

That quote doesn't come from anybody famous-- rather, it comes from an individual and couples' therapist. The first time I heard it, I thought it was a rather "flip" comment, but I have since come to appreciate the basic truth it contains.

I suppose I have the perspective of having spent a fair chunk of my life surrounded by other people's chaos. Many of these otherwise good folks seem almost unable to function, unless there's some kind of "crisis." And if there is not an obvious crisis, in that moment, it almost feels like their subconscious goes to work on creating a situation that will create a new level of drama.

I am not entirely sure where to look for the roots of "drama," "chaos," and "crisis." Whenever I have been in the company of chronically chaotic people, it has always felt like their habits were somewhat narcissistic-- the "purpose" being to create situations that "require" a bunch of people to "come to the rescue" because that person's life has gotten out of control.

So many people I know start projects so often that they really cannot handle, often volunteering in what seemed to be the spirit of good work. But more often than not they get 10% into the project, discover there were difficulties, and would then start to moan and groan and solicit help until everyone within a four-county area had been alerted, had to drop whatever they were working on, so now (effectively) everyone willing is working on this "project". From my personal perspective, the fact that people continually would mess up bothers me less than the fact that they always seem to feel "entitled" to have everyone else abandon what they were doing, to help. What is also annoying is that they usually always presented themselves as highly "capable" and never will say "I might need help with this," up front-- but at the end would insist on full credit for having done "their" project.

Tons and tons of people "manufacture" chaos out of thin air, as an "avoidance maneuver." By making sure certain aspects of their lives are always in a state of chaos and disarray, they make sure that certain things would never come to pass, because it would simply be too much hassle to deal with them. Yet others appear to use drama and chaos as ways to make themselves come across as "special" and "different." It has usually rung rather false with me, perhaps because it seems so transparent-- showing a fear that the person would somehow be less lovable, absent the constant crises. The irony, of course, is that it is this very thing that caused the person to be less lovable.

I suppose I'd understand the whole "chaos and drama" thing if I could see that it clearly led to the person in question having precisely the life they wanted. But it seams that's a rarity-- in fact, I hear far more "woe is me" and moaning and groaning from chaotic people. As a group, they seem thoroughly UNhappy with their lives-- yet often thoroughly UNwilling to make any kinds of changes, in spite of the fact that they tend to put great strains on relationships and friendships-- and end up lamenting the fact their friends "don't return phone calls."

Is it insecurity that drives chaos and drama? Is it fear of rejection? Is it narcissism? Or is it simply a chaotic mind? And-- as one of the least chaotic people on the planet-- why do I often feel like I am a "magnet" for other people's chaos?

TIPS FOR RECOVERY

• 
  
• Go for help. A reputable therapist or a recovery group is a very important tool here, because others can help you see your own co-dependent behavior and attitudes in ways you may not see yourself. Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) is a free group which meets in many places around the country. Therapists likewise can help, and are everywhere. Therapy clinics often offer low fee, professional services provided by therapists who are training for advanced certification.
• 
  
• Make recovery a first priority. Like all addictions, co-dependency is insidious; you may recognize yourself in the symptoms, but then deny their importance, or deny that they apply to you after all. You make decide to change, and then time after time, find yourself doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your destructive behaviors, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing them! It means going to meetings, challenging yourself, talking with others about changing, and then changing!
• 
  
• Identify with others in your group and begin to know yourself. The more you learn about this disease, the more you will see how it creeps into every aspect of your life, and how destructive it can be. Listening to others, and identifying with them can help you recognize yourself and understand yourself better. These are the first steps toward accepting and loving yourself, and setting higher standards, more appropriate goals.
• 
  
• Develop a spiritual side through daily practice. An inner life is important to those recovering from co-dependency, because it will allow you to see that you are loveable, and that your whole world does not have to revolve around the other person. Your practice might be daily meditation, reflecting on nature, watching the sunrise or sunset, playing music and experiencing its effects on your body, praying to a higher power, working in your garden...any activity which is serene and focuses you on a source of nurturance outside of your brain.
• 
  
• Stop managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important one. Here you stop telling the other what to do, how to live, what is wrong - or right! - with him or her. You stop intervening, helping, advising, trying to make things better, trying to fix it, trying to force a solution. You simply stop. You allow this other person to make his or her own decisions, for right or for wrong, you let them live their own life. This includes taking responsibility for their own mistakes, their future, their unhappiness, their issues and their own growth.
• 
  
• Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings. Now that you have liberated your energy from the other person's life, you have lots of time and energy to focus on your own life. All the things that occupied you with the other might actually need attention in your OWN life! Often co-dependents in recovery say that they never realized how chaotic their own lives were, or how empty, how lonely, etc. Now is your time to face yourself, instead of dissipating your energy on trying to fix someone else.
• 
  
• Cultivate whatever you need to develop as an individual. In facing yourself, you may see that you need to get in touch with your anger, or grieve what you have lost or what you never had, or contact your inner life. You need to sit still with yourself, that is important...WITH YOURSELF...and find out what you need to do, what you need to be, what you need to address to continue with your development.
• 
  
• Become "selfish." At this point, you need to practice putting yourself first. Do you know how they tell parents on airplanes to always put on your oxygen mask first before trying to help a child with its mask? The adult has to be able to breathe and to have his or her needs adequately addressed before being able to help anybody. This is true for all aspects of life, not just for oxygen masks! Make sure your basic needs are met before you start giving away your time, energy, money, and other resources. Make sure you get your sleep, your meals, your serenity, and whatever else is important to you. When you are adequately supplied, then and only then will you have "stuff" to give to someone else. When co-dependents tell me that they really don't care what decisions are made, and it's ok for the other person to run the show, I tell them to START CARING...to show up and have an opinion. It is important here to learn how to advocate for yourself.
• 
  
• Begin to feel that you are worthy of all life has to offer. This is tricky. Most people, if asked, will say "of course I think I am worthy!" But if you look at their lives, you may see a pattern which belies that belief. They are unhappy in their work, underemployed, bored or otherwise unhappy. Perhaps they don't take care of their bodies, and fail to consult doctors when they need to. Or they overwork, and fail to give themselves enough rest. One woman blew off her doctor's appointment to help her lover with some clerical work; another person needed to be reminded that she was entitled to take her vitamins and be healthy. One way to know the areas in your life in which you have low self-esteem is to look at the places in your life which don't work! What do you tend to complain about? What needs fixing in your life? In your personality? How do these areas reflect low self-esteem?

Recovery from co-dependency is based on increased self-esteem...a self-esteem which can be gained by increased self-knowledge, your strong points and your weak points, and a full acceptance of yourself. There is a basic self-love, which you carefully nurture and expand. You get in touch with your feelings and attitudes about every aspect of your personality, including your sexuality. You begin to not only accept, but to actually cherish every aspect of yourself: your personality, your appearance, your beliefs and values, your body, your interests and accomplishments. You begin to validate yourself, rather than searching for a relationship to give you a sense of self-worth. As you do this, you can enjoy being with others, especially lovers, who are fine just as they are. You will not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.

You also work on accepting others as they are, without trying to change them to meet your needs. You know that you are safe because your standards are higher; you become open and trusting, but only with APPROPRIATE people. You no longer expose yourself to the exploitation of those who are not interested in your well-being. Your higher criteria and standards are reflected in your approach to relationships. Now, instead of hanging on to your relationship for dear life, you ask, "Is this relationship good for me? Does it allow me to grow into all I am capable of being?" When the answer is no, when a relationship is destructive, you are able to let go of it without becoming terrified or unduly depressed. You will find a circle of supportive friends and healthy interests to see you through crises.

Your values change; now, rather than your partner, you value your peace of mind and serenity above all else. You lose interest in the struggles, drama and chaos of the past. You become protective of yourself, your health and your well-being. You come to realize that for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who share similar values, interests, and goals, and who each have the capacity for intimacy.

You come to know that you are worthy of the best that life has to offer, and you know that with help, perhaps, you can find a way to achieve that!

SEXY AND SOBER BLOG, DENIAL, THE MONSTER OF ADDICTION

DENIAL, THE MONSTER OF 

ADDICTION

Denial is a common defense mechanism that everyone uses to some degree. It is an automatic response to avoid something uncomfortable. The kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar will say, when confronted, something like "I was just seeing if any cookies were left" or "No, my hand wasn't in the cookie jar." 

Snap answers are a way to avoid admitting an uncomfortable reality. We don't consciously have to think about what to say. The denial comes from the unconscious as an immediate statement, said in a truthful, innocent or irritated voice. It comes from a fear of looking bad or of having to give up a dependency we don't feel we can do without.

In addiction, denial gets stronger and more rigid. Alcoholics and addicts consciously believe their own denial to avoid the painful reality that addiction controls their life. We can think of denial as a way of telling the truth about a small part of reality as if it were all of reality. For example, the person who has not had a drink in two hours might focus on those two hours and assert, "I haven't been drinking" -- leaving out "for the last two hours." 

Denial blinds addicts to the cause of their problem -- their dependence on drugs or alcohol. It allows them to pretend that their using is not destructive. Denial is so powerful that addicts are often the last to recognize their disease. Some pursue their addiction as their life and health deteriorate, continuing their denial until they die. 

Even during recovery, denial can occur. An example is the addict who says "I know I have to quit drinking, but I never had a problem with weed, so I can use a little of that." After a period of sobriety, denial often recurs with the thoughts, "I've been good for 6 months. I can drink normally again." 


To protect ourselves against uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and experiences, we develop a set of automatic mental reactions called defenses (or defense mechanisms). These mechanisms begin in childhood and are a normal part of development. Defenses protect us (our conscious mind) against painful feelings, thoughts, and situations in our families and lives.

Defenses protect us from painful realities. They filter out things we may not want to recognize, and they change our perceptions so things feel more comfortable. In a sense, defenses distort reality, and to the extent that they distort reality, they cause problems in everyday functioning, especially in interpersonal relationships. Defenses cause problems because they keep people from coming to a consensus about what is true, or real, or fair. It's as if we're speaking different languages. 

Defenses are normal. Everyone has them and uses them, but addicts use them to maintain addictive behaviors and thoughts. As addiction progresses, defenses become more and more powerful and rigid, hiding the worsening consequences of addictive behavior. Part of recovery is looking at reality and taking responsibility for the uncomfortable consequences of our addiction. This often means developing more mature defenses that allow more flexible thinking and more honest and wholesome ways of being in the world. 


Defenses come in many different forms. We may close our eyes to the destructive consequences of using, or we may explain our addiction away in an intellectual fashion that saves us from having to feel. Another common defense is blaming, during which we find fault with someone else to avoid looking at our own responsibilities. 


The following are common defenses:

• Denial: Refusing to admit or acknowledge that our drinking or using has become a problem. (I can quit any time I want to. My using isn't that bad.)
• Isolation: Removing ourselves from the company of family and friends for the purpose of maintaining a chemical habit.
• Rationalization: Giving reasons to explain why we drink or use. (I drink because I hate my job.)
• Blaming: Transferring responsibility for our behavior to other people. (I wouldn't drink if my spouse treated me right.)
• Projection: Rejecting our own feelings by ascribing them to someone else. (Why is that stupid idiot being so hostile?)
• Minimizing: Refusing to admit the magnitude of the amount used. (I only have a couple of drinks. It's not a problem.)

Understand Addiction In Order to Help Addict

This is a logical and very necessary first step. Before you can learn how best to help a struggling addict or alcoholic, you need to understand the nature of addiction. There are several models of addiction that attempt to describe what it is and why it affects people, but none of those models are entirely accurate. Many people have heard of the disease model, which does a fairly decent job of describing what we see in the real world. For example, even addicts or alcoholics who have stayed clean for several decades can relapse and be right back to their old level of consumption within a matter of days.

Also note that addiction can affect potentially anyone, including those who:

• Have no apparent genetic predisposition for addiction or alcoholism
• Have very little environmental risk
• Have no moral shortcomings or laziness about them

Even if you do not believe in the disease model, learning more about how it works is a necessary foundation in learning about how you can potentially help a struggling addict or alcoholic. If you want to know how to help alcoholics then you need to learn about the condition.

Get Help Yourself In Order To Help The Addict

We cannot control a drug addict or an alcoholic, but we can control our own behavior, including how we behave in relationship to a sick and suffering (and possibly manipulative) addict or alcoholic. Therefore, the best thing that you can do if you want to help someone in your life is to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there can listen to your situation and give you the best specific advice on how to go about handling things. Educating yourself on how to set limits and boundaries is one of the most important things that you can do in this case.

Establish Boundaries And Set Limits With The Addict

One example of setting a boundary is telling a close friend that you prefer they not be around you if they are drunk or high. Notice that it is specific, and you have to sit down and communicate this type of request explicitly with someone. Setting a boundary like this is difficult because there is this tendency to hurt other’s feelings. But that is part of what is keeping you sick, caring more about this person’s feelings than your own personal well being. Setting boundaries is about putting your own personal well being first, and letting that be a guiding example of how to live. You know you are setting effective boundaries when you are taking back control of your own life and starting to regain your own sanity, instead of being all wrapped up in the problems of a struggling drug addict or alcoholic. This is a crucial distance you must learn to keep when learning how to help a recovering drug addict.

Confronting The Addict

Any time that you casually approach this struggling addict or talk with them about the possibility of getting help is an example of an informal intervention. This might not sound like a very useful option compared to a more formal and organized intervention, but nonetheless it can be very effective. In my own personal experience, I finally decided to ask for addiction help and thus changed my whole life after a simple phone conversation with a family member. The reason for this was because timing was everything. Previously, a formal intervention had failed, because I simply had not been ready to make a change at that time. But a key conversation happened at just the right moment, and it set in motion a series of life changing events for me.

Does this mean that you should pester someone incessantly until they get clean and sober? Probably not. Helping an addict is never that straightforward. But you should never give up hope on them, and you should have a consistent message for them without badgering them. Make sure they know that help is available for them if and when they want it.

Organize a Formal Intervention

This is what most people think of when they hear the term “intervention,” where the friends and family of an addict all get together and confront that person together and urge them to get help. This is not necessarily the best choice though. There is a lot of evidence that an addict or alcoholic will only change when they personally come to their own point of surrender. A formal intervention does not bring a person to this point. Many would argue that the intervention would only work if the person is already at this critical point of surrender. Nevertheless, some formal interventions have been successful at persuading people to get clean and sober.

Assess A Person’s Addiction In Order To Determine The Correct Approach

A friend or loved one who is caught up in the cycle of addiction has to be approached in the right way. We all know how worthless it is for advice to fall on deaf ears, and this is bound to be the case with certain approaches in trying to help struggling addicts. But there are specific, proactive actions that you can take regardless of where your loved one is at in their addiction. There are no hard and fast rules here because different personality types will call for different approaches. One valuable guideline might be to always use a caring approach instead of a threatening one. Consider the different levels of denial and willingness to change that an addict or alcoholic might have:

Complete Denial – If a person is in complete denial of their addiction, then there is little that you can do other than focus on your own behaviors and actions. The best that you can do in this case might be to communicate your boundaries with the person and let it be known that you won’t be bailing them out of any jams. A formal intervention is unlikely to produce an immediate change, although it might be a step in letting the person know how much everyone cares for them. In some cases, a formal intervention might be an unhealthy move on your part…better to take care of yourself at this point and simply establish healthy boundaries with the person.

They are Admitting to their Problem, but are Reluctant to take action - This is the difference between admitting and accepting that they have an addiction. This person is technically still in denial, but they just aren’t willing to change yet. The fear of change, the fear of life without chemicals is too great for them, even though they know that they have a real problem. They are caught between a rock and a hard place.

I was in this state for several years, but was scared to get help and make a change. I was terrified of the thought of facing life without drugs and alcohol. What finally got me to ask for help and change my life was a simple, informal conversation with a family member over the phone. This is what finally “did the trick,” whereas a full scale formal intervention in the past had failed. But also realize that the formal intervention might have been a critical part of the journey. They Admit to their Problem and Say they are Willing to Change, but only on Their Own Terms – This is still denial, but in its sneakiest form. The person has agreed to address their addiction and says that they are willing to change. They might even have a genuine willingness to change. But the problem is that they are only going to change on their own terms.

Fear is holding them back. The person is so close to making a life changing decision. Tread with caution and don’t push them over the edge. Be helpful and supportive. Personality type will help dictate if this is the best time for a formal intervention or not. If they are secluded, isolated, shy, or have anxiety or depression, then a formal intervention with lots of people might be a bad idea at this point. If you want to know how to help drug addicts then you have to learn to figure out how hard you can press up against this wall of fear. It can be a tricky balance to attain.

They Accept their Addiction and Will do Almost Anything You Suggest – This is complete surrender, and represents someone who is ready to change. Get them to a treatment center or a twelve step/support meeting.

Practicing Detachment

One of the key principles that will help you in dealing with a struggling alcoholic or drug addict is detachment. The idea behind it is to separate yourself emotionally from the damaging effects of your relationship with the addict or alcoholic. It is not the same as complete disassociation or abandoning the relationship. The idea is to care for them while detaching emotionally. You can care for them but not feel like you are responsible for them. In other words, you are specifically trying to not get all wrapped up emotionally by an addicts destructive behaviors.

This is difficult.

Practicing detachment should make it easier over time. Here are some things that you can do in order to practice detachment with the struggling addict in your life:

• Don’t do things that they should be doing themselves.
• Don’t bend over backwards to rescue them or save them from natural consequences.
• Don’t cover up for their mistakes or embarrassing situations.
• Don’t rescue them from crisis or financial situations.
• Don’t try to fix them.
• Let go of any guilt you may have about them.

Detachment is not about denying your emotions. If someone close to you dies, for example, you will probably feel sad. You can’t choose this feeling. It simply is. But we do have the power to affect the intensity of this feeling, by focusing on the positive aspects of the situation. We can also change our thinking in an attempt to eradicate irrational beliefs that might be contributing to our emotional turmoil.

The goal is not to go without emotions, the goal is to achieve some level of emotional stability. We are detaching from the negative, irrational thoughts that stir up our emotions, like the guilt we might have if we think someone’s addiction is our fault.

Detachment is difficult and takes practice. I urge you to find local Al-Anon meetings and get involved with them, as those are the people who can help you the most.

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, CLEAN AND SOBER TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Holidays can be stressful for anyone, particularly for those in recovery. Besides the temptations to party hearty that seem to be everywhere, there are also the feelings of depression and being left out to contend with. Don’t let the holidays get you down or cause you to slip. Here are some tips to support recovery during the holidays.

Tip #1: Be sure to get enough rest. – Let’s face it. When you’re tired, you’re more apt to make snap judgments that may turn out to be wrong, say something you wish you hadn’t, or find yourself entertaining thoughts of giving into the temptation to drink or do drugs. While being well rested can’t guarantee that these situations won’t occur, it’s far less likely.

Why is that? In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, newcomers are encouraged to avoid “HALT.” That means you should never allow yourself to get hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Well, fatigue certainly plays a huge part in what causes many people to succumb to temptation – during the holidays and anytime. When you’re tired, your brain gets lazy. You find yourself making excuses or doing what seems easiest. It’s hard to fight off cravings if you have no resources left. It’s much simpler to just give in.

Do yourself a solid and be sure to get adequate rest each night. This applies all the time, of course, but especially during the holidays. Never permit yourself to burn the candle at both ends. You can’t have stay up for hours on end – wrapping Christmas presents or celebrating the fireworks display – and be in tip-top shape for whatever responsibilities you have on the morrow. And, you won’t be much good at making the right decisions, either.

How much rest is enough? Generally speaking, adults should get a good 8 to 9 hours of rest each night. While some people pride themselves on getting by with 5 hours or less, they’re only depriving their bodies and their minds of what they really need. It also helps to be consistent with you sleep schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time each morning. This establishes your body’s natural rhythms – and also helps you be alert and ready to go each day.

Tip #2: Be selective about what invitations you accept. – Depending on what time of year it is, you can expect to receive numerous invitations to parties and get-togethers. This is particularly true during the period from Thanksgiving through New Year’s. In some areas of the country, the calendar date that results in the most drinking and driving arrests is Halloween. Other big holidays for drinking include the Fourth of July and Labor Day.

You might think that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day – while not holidays in the sense that you get time off from work – would be safe. That all depends on what kind of family dynamic you have present. If your family members are big drinkers or have other addictions, it stands to reason that you may wish to steer clear of celebrations on those days.

What it all boils down to is that you should exercise discretion. Be selective – in fact, be very selective – about what invitations you accept. There’s just no sense putting your sobriety in jeopardy by going to places where people are drinking and/or doing drugs.

If, however, an invitation can’t be discreetly turned down, such as a company dinner or event, you might be okay if you pay attention to tip #3.

Tip #3: What’s in your glass only matters to you. – When everyone around you is having a good time, drinking cocktails or champagne or beer, do you really think it matters what you have the bartender pour in your glass? Chances are it only matters to you. The man or woman next to you is only interested in getting his or her own drink. So, if you ask for sparkling water or tonic with lime, it’s your business and no one else’s.

If you’re with family or close friends and someone wants to fill your glass for a toast, it helps if you prepare the host ahead of time to have your glass filled with a non-alcoholic drink. If red wine is the toast beverage, you can have your glass filled with cranberry juice. If it’s champagne, make yours ginger ale or Seven Up. Remember that others will only notice or pay attention to a situation where a big deal is made of it. So, if you handle this ahead of time, no one’s the wiser. Everyone else is just caught up in the celebration of the moment. With this tip, you can join in and still be true to your recovery goals.

Tip #4: Have back-up plans ready. – It’s amazing how a simple tip can make all the difference. If you’re prepared with a reasonable response when you’re at a party and getting ready to leave and someone asks you to stay, it’s not only less stressful, it’s also essential. You’ve got an easy out, no one’s feelings are hurt, and you’ve been true to your sobriety.

Here’s how it works. You always have something that needs to be done. Holidays are no exception. Your response could be that you have to run an errand for your spouse or mother or you have an appointment you can’t miss. Maybe you need to pick up your children or get to the bank before it closes or buy supplies for work. What you say isn’t important. What is important is that you prepare what you’ll say in advance and stick to it. Don’t allow someone to convince you to stay just a little longer. Your time is your own. You don’t owe it to anyone else.

Laugh off objections, if that makes it any easier for you. Your friends or the party’s host will get over it. And you’ll be on your way without getting yourself in harm’s way.

Tip #5: Go late and leave early. – Here’s another tip that may work for you. It’s simple, really. Just go as late as you can to the party without being irresponsible and leave well before the party’s end. What you’re doing, in effect, is putting in an appearance. That’s all that matters to most hosts anyway. You’ve been invited. You show up, talk to a few folks, and leave. End of story.

As for the others at the party or get-together, they’re too busy chatting up friends and family members to notice how long you’re in attendance. And if someone does tap your arm and ask why you’re leaving, give them the response you prepared in advance (see tip #4).

Tip #6: Spend your time with fellow 12-step members. – Who understands the impact of the holidays on sobriety better than your fellow 12-step members? And, what better place to be than at a 12-step meeting when you feel the pressures of the holiday season? The truth is that those in recovery aren’t any more immune to depression and loneliness than someone who’s never had a problem with alcohol. Thousands of people of all ages are alone or infirm or depressed during the period from Thanksgiving to New Year’s, or around birthdays of now-deceased relatives or friends. But the difference is that you, since you are in recovery, have an automatic support network in your 12-step sponsor and group members.

Besides the fellowship and support, you’ve got someplace legitimate to go during the holidays. You don’t have to stress yourself about what to do or say. Your group members know what it feels like to be somewhat out of place – especially when you’re new to recovery. And you’ll get lots of ideas on how to handle different situations by listening to others share during the meetings.

Many 12-step groups may hold special get-togethers during certain holidays. This provides convivial atmosphere and a sober way to celebrate special occasions.

Tip #7: Give thanks for your sober days. – It may help to think about the number of days or weeks or months you’ve been sober. Just counting up the days can afford a measure of comfort and peace. This is a big achievement, and one that you’ve worked hard for. Sometimes, just taking the time to give thanks for all this time you’ve been sober in recovery is enough to keep you firmly on your path.

Tip #8: If you feel you might stumble, call your sponsor. – This tip applies anytime of the year. Day or night, if you feel like you’re in trouble and may slip, get in touch with your 12-step sponsor. Don’t delay. Don’t tough it out. Don’t give yourself an excuse to do something to jeopardize your sobriety.

After all, that’s what your sponsor signed on for when he or she agreed to be your sponsor. If not to help you discover your true strengths, to be supportive of your efforts to stay clean and sober, to listen in a nonjudgmental manner and with compassion, to offer helpful advice – what else is your sponsor for?

Of course, it goes without saying that you should choose your 12-step sponsor carefully. Be sure that the person you ask to sponsor you has been in successful recovery for at least one year. The more time a sponsor has in recovery, the more you look up to and admire the person’s words and deeds, the way he or she is always there when you’re in need, the more beneficial this person can be to you if you have a problem during the holidays.

One thing to remember is that you’re not putting your sponsor out by calling. The relationship you have with your sponsor is a special one. You both are committed to your sobriety.

Tip #9: Keep busy. – When you were in treatment and before you completed your program, one of the important parts was relapse prevention. This is where you learned about the importance of keeping yourself busy, of creating and maintaining schedules and adhering to a healthier routine. During the holidays, it’s especially helpful to have a list of things that you can get involved in or do so that your mind isn’t left to wonder about all the activities you’re missing out on.

Tackle a project you’ve been putting off. Invite some friends over for an intimate dinner at your home. Go out and enjoy a movie or a concert. You can also volunteer to help at any number of worthwhile organizations or charities. Do something nice for your neighbor or someone at work who’s been ill.

Sit down with a paper and pen and make a list of things you’d like to do, want to do, and have the time to do. You can prioritize them or do what is the quickest and easiest to get involved in right now. Once you’re done with that, move on to the next one. If this doesn’t get you through any qualms about being true to your recovery, then get yourself to a 12-step meeting and find support there.

Tip #10: Take time to enrich your spirit. – Material considerations often take center stage in people’s minds when it comes to the holidays. It doesn’t matter what holiday it is, there always seems to be a furious burst of activity around getting ready for the day, being involved on the day, and cleaning up after the day. What often gets left out completely is attention to the spiritual aspect of the holiday.

Christmas is the most obvious time when paying attention to spirituality would seem to matter most. But it’s certainly not the only time. Easter is another, as well as Thanksgiving. In fact, when you get right down to it, any holiday is a good time to think more about your spirituality than all the material trappings associated with the day.

How do you enrich your spirit? There’s no single way. What works for you may not be the same as what proves most effective for the next person. You may believe in God or a Higher Power or the power of the spirit or nature. Maybe you go to a church or a synagogue or commune with nature by meditating in the woods or by a pond or lake or stream. Some people get in touch with their spirituality and feel a sense of enrichment by doing yoga.

You can also just close your eyes, concentrate on your breathing in and out, and wipe your mind of all extraneous thoughts. Picture a peaceful scene and continue to breathe in and out deeply and regularly. Do this for about 15 to 20 minutes. You will feel refreshed and renewed afterward. What you are doing, in essence, is centering yourself, freeing yourself from stresses and distractions. You are bringing yourself back into balance: body, mind, and spirit.

Have a Healthy Happy Holiday Season

After you’ve been in successful recovery for a few years, you’ll look back on your early days and see how much you’ve grown. You’ll likely be amazed at how much easier it is now to overcome holiday stresses and temptations than it was back then. This is due to your diligence in working your steps, being involved in your support network, constantly refining your recovery plan and taking the necessary actions to achieve your goals. You will know who to turn to when you have a problem, and how to celebrate with sober friends to have a healthy and happy holiday.

Most of all, you’ll then be in a position to be able to offer the same type of support to someone new to recovery, someone who, like you a while back, needs the encouragement and strength that only someone in solid recovery can give. At that point, you’ll really know the importance of support during the holidays. You’ll know because you’re doing it.