"Selfishness, self-centeredness; that, we think, is the root of our troubles," wrote AA co-founder Bill Wilson in the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," otherwise known as the "Big Book." There are many factors in addiction, but at the core of this disease of unhealthy dependence is the self-centeredness described by Wilson. This self-centeredness can be found in the words "unhealthy dependence" in the following definition: "Addiction is unhealthy dependence on behaviors that impair our ability to function to full potential." In the next definition the self-centeredness lies in our way of "adapting." Here's the definition: "Addiction is a disease in which any technique for adapting to life is used other than healthy interpersonal relating." Other self-centered factors at the heart of addiction are very relevant too, especially the Five Cs: Craving Compulsion loss of Control despite efforts to control and Continuing the behavior despite life-damaging Consequences. In the society we live in, this addictive self-centeredness is pervasive. You see it everyday. What lengths humans go to to satisfy their own wants never taking into account others needs. Here are some examples: Road rage, our overloaded court system, debt to the max. What do these examples have to do with addiction? Perhaps these people were on large doses of caffeine or some other substance that sent their impatience level zooming upward, but addiction is not limited to substances. It appears in all unhealthy behaviors that damage the relationship to self and others, and we see evidence of it everywhere we go. However, we're all part of the problem at one time or another. "I have found the enemy, and the enemy is us,". Who among us doesn't offend people by our behavior? Other drivers? Other shoppers? Our neighbors? But some addicts are sicker than others, and certainly they are more offensive. They leave a trail of frustration behind them as they pursue their addictions to such cravings as the thrill of speed, the intoxication of power, the anesthetic of noise, and the self-indulgent pursuit of pleasure and satisfaction. So what's going on? Is this an epidemic of sorts, this seeming lack of concern for others? The self-centered lifestyle is poisonous to our society and will destroy an addict. "Selfishness, self-centeredness; that, we think, is the root of our troubles." Bill Wilson's idea applies to all aspects of life, and needs our ongoing thought and our attention. Although we may not be able to change society as a whole, we most certainly begin with ourselves. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES |
THE NEWCOMER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. THEY ARE OUR FUTURE ROLE MODELS AND RELY ON US TO TEACH THEM HOW TO LIVE.......
“You complete me.” You know that line, right? It comes right before "I NEED you" (another puker). The completing-the-other bit nauseates me and experts like to classify that type of dialogue with a term known as “codependency.”
Ideeed, you do NOT need anyone to complete you. You should be whole going into a relationship, right?
My guess is that those who feel like they are getting fixed are actually getting ripped off. That’s why they keep coming back, hoping that THIS time their partner will make the ouches go away, making them feel all sunshiny and warm inside. Instead, the ouch is bigger, the hole is wider, and they are feeling worse and worse as time goes on.
A relationship doesn’t have to be romantic to fall into the “toxic” category, of course. Many friendships, mother-daughter, boss-employee, and waiter-eater relationships, almost any kind of relationship actually. If someone is bringing you down consistently, chances are that your relationship with him or her is toxic. But if you follow these steps, you can start to complete yourself, maybe even look into the mirror and say, “You had me at hello.”
1. Step out of denial.
Be prepared to dry off as you step out of the river of Denial. A few questions will get you there. Ask yourself these, for starters:
Do I feel energized or drained after I spent an hour with him/her? Do I WANT to spend time with him/her or do I feel like I have to?
Do I feel sorry for him/her?
Do I go to him/her looking for a response that I never get?
Do I come away consistently disappointed by him or her's comments and behavior?
Am I giving way more to the relationship than him or her?
Do I even like him or her? I mean, if he or she was on a cruise and I didn’t know him or her, would I walk up and want to be their friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend etc., based on his or her actions and interactions with others?
2. Identify the perks.
All relationships, even toxic ones, have hidden benefits. Or why would you stay in them? So identify the perks. Determine what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship.
Does he or she make you feel attractive and sexy again?
Does helping him or her with kids even though it exhausts you relieve your guilt in some twisted way because you feel like your life is easier than his or hers?
Even though he/she doesn’t treat you well, does he or she remind you of your verbally abusive mom, and therefore bring you a comfort level?
Are you so codependent and live in such fear of your own life that it requires he or she to do every day tasks for you?
3. Surround yourself with POSITIVE friends.
Lots of support and friends is never going to cut it. You need the right kind of friends, i.e. those working on their boundaries as hard as you are, who are not enmeshed in their fair share of toxic relationships and therefore become somewhat toxic themselves. The stuff is contagious. I suspect the risk for getting sucked into or stuck in a toxic relationships for people who have friends in toxic relationships is higher than 100 percent. So be smart with whom you choose to hang out.
4. Bribe yourself.
I know there are parenting experts that don’t approve of this technique, but I say nothing is more effective than a bribe to boost someone to their goal. Therefore, on your way to freeing yourself from the harness of a toxic relationship, reward yourself at various stages along the way. First, try not initiating any communication for a week. If you pull it off, then treat yourself to coffee with a fun, supportive friend, or a half-hour alone somewhere that you love (no computer, phone, or iPod). If you have been able to utter that delicious word “no” a few times in a row, go celebrate by downloading a CD of your favorite musical artist from iTunes or splurging on the chocolate hiding in the freezer.
5. Heal the shame.
Breaking free of toxic relationships has led to a lot of inner-child work and deep issues. Why are you so scared and lonely and wanting the wrong kind of attention. “Because that’s all I know,” may be a response. Never lower your price tag for anybody. You are worth much much more than that.
6. Repeat affirmations.
In a toxic relationship your affirmations may be “I have a good heart” and “I mean or meant well,” especially when you get guilt trips about not giving more to a relationship. But these are not affirmations. Do you have to remind yourself you have a good heart when you already know that you do? Or are you doubting yourself? Or possibly trying to convince someone else that you do? None of this is necessary.
7. Allow some rest.
The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [to an addictive or toxic relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.
8. Fill the hole.
Now that you may have identified what you were hoping to stuff with this relationship, it’s time to find alternative sources of peace and wholeness.
Think about what you love about life and do it. Not allowing toxins in your life of recovery is VITAL.
Guilt
A critical barrier to recovery is guilt. Guilt acts as a strap in a harness that keeps the addict trapped in his/her addiction.
The addict feels guilty because he/she has committed dishonest deeds against the people he/she cares about and the people closest. This is an integral part of the life cycle of addiction.
A person who becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol doesn’t just wake up one day and say, "Gee, I think I’ll start using drugs until I destroy my family, my relationships and my life in general."
Addiction almost always starts with a problem. Drugs or alcohol are chosen as a solution to relieve the discomfort one is experiencing by not being able to solve the problem. Physical and mental complications then follow. It all adds up to a serious decline in the person’s quality of life.
To be successful, a recovery program must help an addict face his or her transgressions and enable him/her to clean up the wreckage of his or her current life that has resulted from the addiction and dishonesty.
Before addiction, most addicts are basically good people with a sense of right and wrong and with no intention or desire to hurt others. As the cycle of addiction progresses and the cravings and other mechanics of addiction begin to dissolve the individual’s self-control, they get into situations where they are doing and saying things they know deep down aren’t true or right. All these dishonest or damaging things are done to cover up and continue their drug use.
If the pattern of abuse continues, the addict eventually becomes trapped in a vicious cycle of using drugs, hiding the fact, lying about drug use and even stealing to support more drug use. At each turn, the addict is committing more dishonest acts and, with each act, is creating more damage in his life and relationships. None of these acts are truly overlooked by the addict; every misdeed is committed to memory.
The memory of each misdeed includes all the surrounding circumstances in place the moment the deed was done: who was involved, the time, the place and what the end result of the dishonest deed was. The addict knows these misdeeds are wrong and because the basic person himself (not the addicted personality) is good, he will feel bad or guilty after the dishonest act is committed.
Over time, these memories of guilt accumulate. When the addict sees people or places involved in his transgressions, these sights can trigger the guilt surrounding the misdeeds.
More and more transgressions are committed. And more and more, people and things related to the transgressions become triggers that remind the addict of the dishonest acts. For example, perhaps a young man steals cash from his father’s wallet and uses the money for drugs. Thereafter, whenever he sees his father, it triggers the memory of that stolen money. It can be enough just to see a person or an object to trigger the guilt! Sometimes no words even need to be said.
Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling and so can prompt the addict to use more drugs to temporarily relieve this unwanted sensation. In this way, guilt helps maintain the trap of addiction.
The addict will also begin to withdraw more and more from friends and family as the transgressions committed by the addict increase in number. He will eventually pull away from the family, seclude himself, even become antagonistic towards those he loves. Remember, the basic personality of an addict is good and the reason they end up withdrawing from those they love is because they know they are doing the wrong things. The act of withdrawing from those places and people that the addict has harmed is the addict’s attempt to restrain himself from committing any further transgressions toward those people and places he cares about.
Many forms of substance abuse counseling endeavor to create positive moral change in an addict. One of the most popular approaches is the Twelve Step program practiced by Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, etc. In this approach, steps four, five, eight and nine of the twelve steps involve making a life inventory of one’s wrong deeds and determining who was affected by them. Once these are identified, the addict then makes up the damage created by his destructive actions.
This recovery approach can be effective for some so long as the addict still has the social skills to be able to communicate with and interact in a group setting. He or she must also have high enough levels of confront and responsibility to admit wrongdoings and make up the damage done. If an addiction persists long enough, an addict will lose even these basic social skills.
When drug addiction begins in the teens, individuals do not have the opportunity to develop these life skills. As a result, they do not perform as well in a Twelve Step program or other traditional treatment settings. In these cases, the addict needs to be educated or re-educated in these basic life skills before there can be any real hope of success in raising moral standards and bringing about permanent sobriety.
When conventional approaches are not working with a drug-addicted person, there are effective alternatives to pursue before one gives up. What has not proven effective is substitute drug treatment. Methadone, antidepressants or other prescription medications are designed to mask the symptoms of addiction that we have described. Essentially, an addict is trading one addiction for another.
These medications prevent the addict from developing the life skills necessary to restore his moral values and quality of life. Nor do they assist the individual in acquiring the necessary tools to remain sober. Thus relapse becomes inevitable.
So if guilt is just a message sent by our minds then why does it bother us that much?
The are two reasons guilt bothers us, The first is that some people focus on the emotion itself and ignore the fact that it’s a message. When a person feels down he/she may focus on doing anything that cheers him/her up instead of trying to understand the real reason behind this emotion.
Had that person tried to find out why he/she is feeling down and out he/she may have ended up with a solution to the problem or at a least a feeling of relief.
The second one is taking responsibility when others suffer!! Guilt can make you a responsible person but if you take the responsibility of the suffering of others regardless of whether you are guilty or not then you will certainly experience tremendous amounts of guilt. The moment you feel guilty about the suffering of others you have to ask yourself a question, am i responsible for their suffering?
Believing that you could have done better might be the reason behind your guilt, however; you have to put in mind is that you cant always control bad events because you won't always have the necessary resources to deal with every situation you encounter.
For example, if you couldn’t save a friend from getting beaten up because of your lack of courage at that time then you shouldn't feel guilty. Because you lacked that resource (courage) at that time you actually did your best!
You must never feel guilty about something that happened because in fact each moment you are doing your best based on the resources you have. These resources can be anything, knowledge, ideas, courage, money,...etc
This brings us to another way of overcoming guilt, when you feel responsible for the suffering of others just look for a way to increase your resources in order to help them and if you can’t find any way then don’t blame yourself because with your current resources you can’t do any better
Many people have wondered the differences of confidence vs. arrogance. The discussion of confidence vs arrogance brings to light many similarities and differences between the two characteristics.
Confidence vs arrogance also focuses the attention on the way each of these characteristics affects the behavior of a given individual. Below is a list of differences and similarities between these two characteristics.
Arrogant people are often solemn, self-righteous, and seem to be self-involved to the exclusion of others. They are haughty, demanding respect from others, and yet offering it to only a very few. There’s a “closed system” feel about them. When they condescend and when they pontificate, they have no idea how repellent they are, because they are not attuned to the effect they have on others.
When I think about the aura that surrounds confident people — the ones who seem free of arrogance — it’s always fairly good humored, and there’s a lively curiousity about the world, an authentic interest in others. The confident person is good at something, knows it, and is able to rely on those skills and abilities in a relaxed manner. The confident attitude is an attractive one, easy to be around; the confident person seems dependable and admirable.
Some arrogant people can be very good at what they do. No question. So, when we accuse someone of arrogance, I think we mean: “You may be an expert but your tone is offensive. You don’t see me; you don’t acknowledge me; you don’t value me.” And when we admire someone’s confidence, I think we are saying, “I appreciate your abilities because you can be a virtuoso without making me feel insignificant.”
You can decide for yourself when it comes to confidence vs arrogance which characteristics fit you best accordingly.
1. Confidence vs arrogance both involve believing in one’s abilities.
A person who is confident understands they have certain areas of strength. A person who is arrogant also believes that have certain areas of strength.
A person with confidence will also understand others maybe stronger, and that each person is a complete package of strengths and weaknesses so will remain humble in both. An arrogant person will often neglect to acknowledge weakness in light of playing up the strengths.
2. Confidence vs arrogance often stem from two different roots.
Arrogance is often underplayed by insecurity. An arrogant person tends to be arrogant to compensate for areas of weakness that distress the individual.
An arrogant person may seem to ignore any areas of weakness and only play up areas of strength, but they often do so because of an inability to come to terms with weakness. A confident person finds the root of their confidence in self acceptance - a key confidence vs arrogance difference.
A confident person accepts their weaknesses or faults, even though they may not like them. This acceptance enables the confident person to handle faults with grace and without further compacting the areas of weakness with arrogance. These are key points when understanding confidence vs arrogance.
3. The effects of confidence vs arrogance on relationships clearly mark the difference between the two characteristics. An arrogant person tends to brag and can put others down in an attempt to be the best or come out the coolest.
A confident person is above such antics. They recognize their strengths and weaknesses, and allow that other people will have strengths and weaknesses. A confident person need not make life a competition, so a confident person is often much easier to be around.
An arrogant person can be cocky and difficult to reason with, making conversation difficult and bothersome.
4. The physical manifestations of confidence vs arrogance also help distinguish them.
Arrogance is often associated with a swaggering walk and a posture that is overly commanding and dominating. Body language of an arrogant person differs from that of a confident person.
A confident person can adopt an open and easy posture that allows others to approach them. An arrogant person is often more aggressive and harder to approach.
Confidence vs arrogance involves truly two different characteristics, sharing only a perceived appreciation for a particular strength. Arrogance, sadly, often accompanies a lack of confidence so that the arrogant person still hurts underneath.
The question of confidence vs arrogance is not a difficult one, and most people would rather be on the confident side of the fence.
It’s pretty human to use significant days as turning points in your life – and that is all well and good for some people. For others, however, using these days for a supposed total change in lifestyle can be problematic. I think this can be particularly true for people in recovery. Why? Because many of us have absurd expectations. Combine that with an all-or-nothing kind of personality, and you have a recipe for repeated failure.
Of course there is anything wrong with creating a goal that you start to work on at a certain date, but frankly; I think the best day to pick is today and only today. Today I will ___________________.
This helps to avoid the deal making and the post-poning. If you decide in early December that you are going to start a new diet on New Year’s Day, that means I’ll eat ridiculously badly until that day. Why not say, I’m going to eat healthy today? That doesn’t mean I’ll be perfect every day until New Year’s Day – but it sure means I likely won’t be as cavalier until the phony deadline.
The problem with creating resolutions based on a specific day, be it New Year’s or a birthday or anniversary, is that it takes you out of the immediacy of the day, and as people in recovery it is so important to count today first and remember everything else comes later.
This just means that if there’s something you want to do or change about your life, why not start today – maybe just a little step like adding five minutes to my walk or not skipping breakfast.
Rather than look to make a long (usually intimidating) list for New Year’s, what can you do today to move toward the goals you want to achieve?
Here are some tips regarding resolutions:
First and foremost, it’s important to remember that change happens in stages. You don’t just decide one day to stop and that’s that—especially when you’re addicted to substances. To effectively move your plan into action, you have to be mentally prepared to commit yourself to the stages of the process and figure out how you’re going to accomplish your plan step by step. It’s also important to understand that relapse is common. Don’t just give up after the first slip because you’ll never change with that kind of attitude. Instead, use relapse as a learning experience and start fresh again with your plan. But if relapsing becomes a problem and you can’t control yourself, there’s no shame in getting help. Recovering from addiction on your own is very rare, so going into a detoxification, rehabilitation, or therapy program is highly suggested—especially given the health risks of quitting a substance cold turkey.
Finally, it’s important to reward yourself and keep your eye on the prize. Attach some kind of reward for each week or month that you’re sober or substance free like going to the movies or out to a nice dinner. A reward system can help inspire you to stay relapse free and stick to your plan for recovery.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE
AND GOOD LUCK..
......
STAY SOBER AND RECOVERED.
Accept Compliments.....YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Congratulations! You've earned somebody's respect and admiration.
What do you say to that?
If you're flustered by praise, it's time to learn how to take a compliment
at face value and appreciate the best of it.
After all, you are so worth it, right?
Have you ever been so flustered from an unexpected compliment that you practically insulted the complimenter and felt like a fool afterward? Accepting compliments gracefully is not a talent with which many of us are blessed. However, with forethought and practice, we can learn to give and receive compliments graciously.
Many people are uncomfortable accepting compliments and in their discomfort, make both parties feel awkward and uncomfortable. Perhaps this is done because the complimentee feels unworthy of praise. Perhaps it is because of wariness in feeling prideful. Possibly it is because the complimentee doubts the sincerity of the complimenter. Whatever the reason for fumbling when complimented, a simple "Thank You" lets both off the hook.
The simplest way to accept a compliment is to say "Thank you." For people not comfortable with accepting compliments, this would be the easiest habit to practice. For someone easily flustered by personal attention, it is also the shortest answer and could become an automatic answer with some practice.
Refusing to accept a compliment suggests that the complimenter had poor judgment, that they aren't perceptive, are mistaken, or are giving phony praise. The compliment offerer says, "My what a beautiful suit. It looks lovely on you." Your response, "This ratty old thing? I throw it on when I'm not going anywhere special." That type of response destroys the good feelings the complimenter was attempting to engender. The person extending the compliment offered an opinion and your response indicated that their opinion was wrong. This person will now be less likely to compliment you again.
Accepting a compliment with a simple "Thank you" is polite and by embellishing then returning something, both feel better. "My what a beautiful outfit. It looks lovely on you." "Thank you! This is my favorite shade of blue and I think it brings out the color of my eyes." Using this response tells the complimenter how clever, astute, and intelligent they are for noticing how lovely you look in your favorite color. This person would feel very positive about offering you compliments in the future.
My suggestion is to take all compliments, congratulations and praise at face value. Presume that anyone taking the time and effort to extend a compliment is sincere. If you are complimented on something about which you don't feel positive, accept the compliment with a friendly "Thank You" and take a second look at it with fresh eyes. It is possible that others see something that you do not. If you have had an item for years or have had an ability since childhood, you may take it for granted. When complimented, you are tempted to pass it off as insincere. If this is the first time the complimenter has encountered this item or ability, they may be genuinely impressed.
If someone compliments you on a job well done and you know there are hidden flaws, resist the temptation to point them out. Imagine that you have made a wonderful dinner with all of the trimmings including the dessert but something didn't come out quite exactly how you had planned it. By pointing out the flaw, it destroys the good feelings the complimenter is trying to share.
It is much better to be gracious and tell the complimenter, "Thank you for the compliment. I did work long and hard to make the best dinner presentation I could." This is the truth and allows both you and the person offering the compliment to feel good.
I would suggest that if you have problems accepting compliments, that you practice thanking the person offering the compliment and go no further, and always present a smile. Once you are comfortable with thanking people for compliments, progress to adding a few comments to help the complimenter feel good also.
Practice makes perfect!
THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
Why is it so many blame God for the world problems that man himself has created? He gave us the gift of free will to make choices, to do Gods will or our will.
DRAMA, CHAOS AND CRISIS..... OH MY!!!!!
"Many people live in a state of eternal drama and chaos, but think they can get away with it by mislabeling it as passion."
That quote doesn't come from anybody famous-- rather, it comes from an individual and couples' therapist. The first time I heard it, I thought it was a rather "flip" comment, but I have since come to appreciate the basic truth it contains.
I suppose I have the perspective of having spent a fair chunk of my life surrounded by other people's chaos. Many of these otherwise good folks seem almost unable to function, unless there's some kind of "crisis." And if there is not an obvious crisis, in that moment, it almost feels like their subconscious goes to work on creating a situation that will create a new level of drama.
I am not entirely sure where to look for the roots of "drama," "chaos," and "crisis." Whenever I have been in the company of chronically chaotic people, it has always felt like their habits were somewhat narcissistic-- the "purpose" being to create situations that "require" a bunch of people to "come to the rescue" because that person's life has gotten out of control.
So many people I know start projects so often that they really cannot handle, often volunteering in what seemed to be the spirit of good work. But more often than not they get 10% into the project, discover there were difficulties, and would then start to moan and groan and solicit help until everyone within a four-county area had been alerted, had to drop whatever they were working on, so now (effectively) everyone willing is working on this "project". From my personal perspective, the fact that people continually would mess up bothers me less than the fact that they always seem to feel "entitled" to have everyone else abandon what they were doing, to help. What is also annoying is that they usually always presented themselves as highly "capable" and never will say "I might need help with this," up front-- but at the end would insist on full credit for having done "their" project.
Tons and tons of people "manufacture" chaos out of thin air, as an "avoidance maneuver." By making sure certain aspects of their lives are always in a state of chaos and disarray, they make sure that certain things would never come to pass, because it would simply be too much hassle to deal with them. Yet others appear to use drama and chaos as ways to make themselves come across as "special" and "different." It has usually rung rather false with me, perhaps because it seems so transparent-- showing a fear that the person would somehow be less lovable, absent the constant crises. The irony, of course, is that it is this very thing that caused the person to be less lovable.
I suppose I'd understand the whole "chaos and drama" thing if I could see that it clearly led to the person in question having precisely the life they wanted. But it seams that's a rarity-- in fact, I hear far more "woe is me" and moaning and groaning from chaotic people. As a group, they seem thoroughly UNhappy with their lives-- yet often thoroughly UNwilling to make any kinds of changes, in spite of the fact that they tend to put great strains on relationships and friendships-- and end up lamenting the fact their friends "don't return phone calls."
Is it insecurity that drives chaos and drama? Is it fear of rejection? Is it narcissism? Or is it simply a chaotic mind? And-- as one of the least chaotic people on the planet-- why do I often feel like I am a "magnet" for other people's chaos?
TIPS FOR RECOVERY
- Go for help. A reputable therapist or a recovery group is a very important tool here, because others can help you see your own co-dependent behavior and attitudes in ways you may not see yourself. Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) is a free group which meets in many places around the country. Therapists likewise can help, and are everywhere. Therapy clinics often offer low fee, professional services provided by therapists who are training for advanced certification.
- Make recovery a first priority. Like all addictions, co-dependency is insidious; you may recognize yourself in the symptoms, but then deny their importance, or deny that they apply to you after all. You make decide to change, and then time after time, find yourself doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your destructive behaviors, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing them! It means going to meetings, challenging yourself, talking with others about changing, and then changing!
- Identify with others in your group and begin to know yourself. The more you learn about this disease, the more you will see how it creeps into every aspect of your life, and how destructive it can be. Listening to others, and identifying with them can help you recognize yourself and understand yourself better. These are the first steps toward accepting and loving yourself, and setting higher standards, more appropriate goals.
- Develop a spiritual side through daily practice. An inner life is important to those recovering from co-dependency, because it will allow you to see that you are loveable, and that your whole world does not have to revolve around the other person. Your practice might be daily meditation, reflecting on nature, watching the sunrise or sunset, playing music and experiencing its effects on your body, praying to a higher power, working in your garden...any activity which is serene and focuses you on a source of nurturance outside of your brain.
- Stop managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important one. Here you stop telling the other what to do, how to live, what is wrong - or right! - with him or her. You stop intervening, helping, advising, trying to make things better, trying to fix it, trying to force a solution. You simply stop. You allow this other person to make his or her own decisions, for right or for wrong, you let them live their own life. This includes taking responsibility for their own mistakes, their future, their unhappiness, their issues and their own growth.
- Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings. Now that you have liberated your energy from the other person's life, you have lots of time and energy to focus on your own life. All the things that occupied you with the other might actually need attention in your OWN life! Often co-dependents in recovery say that they never realized how chaotic their own lives were, or how empty, how lonely, etc. Now is your time to face yourself, instead of dissipating your energy on trying to fix someone else.
- Cultivate whatever you need to develop as an individual. In facing yourself, you may see that you need to get in touch with your anger, or grieve what you have lost or what you never had, or contact your inner life. You need to sit still with yourself, that is important...WITH YOURSELF...and find out what you need to do, what you need to be, what you need to address to continue with your development.
- Become "selfish." At this point, you need to practice putting yourself first. Do you know how they tell parents on airplanes to always put on your oxygen mask first before trying to help a child with its mask? The adult has to be able to breathe and to have his or her needs adequately addressed before being able to help anybody. This is true for all aspects of life, not just for oxygen masks! Make sure your basic needs are met before you start giving away your time, energy, money, and other resources. Make sure you get your sleep, your meals, your serenity, and whatever else is important to you. When you are adequately supplied, then and only then will you have "stuff" to give to someone else. When co-dependents tell me that they really don't care what decisions are made, and it's ok for the other person to run the show, I tell them to START CARING...to show up and have an opinion. It is important here to learn how to advocate for yourself.
- Begin to feel that you are worthy of all life has to offer. This is tricky. Most people, if asked, will say "of course I think I am worthy!" But if you look at their lives, you may see a pattern which belies that belief. They are unhappy in their work, underemployed, bored or otherwise unhappy. Perhaps they don't take care of their bodies, and fail to consult doctors when they need to. Or they overwork, and fail to give themselves enough rest. One woman blew off her doctor's appointment to help her lover with some clerical work; another person needed to be reminded that she was entitled to take her vitamins and be healthy. One way to know the areas in your life in which you have low self-esteem is to look at the places in your life which don't work! What do you tend to complain about? What needs fixing in your life? In your personality? How do these areas reflect low self-esteem?
Recovery from co-dependency is based on increased self-esteem...a self-esteem which can be gained by increased self-knowledge, your strong points and your weak points, and a full acceptance of yourself. There is a basic self-love, which you carefully nurture and expand. You get in touch with your feelings and attitudes about every aspect of your personality, including your sexuality. You begin to not only accept, but to actually cherish every aspect of yourself: your personality, your appearance, your beliefs and values, your body, your interests and accomplishments. You begin to validate yourself, rather than searching for a relationship to give you a sense of self-worth. As you do this, you can enjoy being with others, especially lovers, who are fine just as they are. You will not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.
You also work on accepting others as they are, without trying to change them to meet your needs. You know that you are safe because your standards are higher; you become open and trusting, but only with APPROPRIATE people. You no longer expose yourself to the exploitation of those who are not interested in your well-being. Your higher criteria and standards are reflected in your approach to relationships. Now, instead of hanging on to your relationship for dear life, you ask, "Is this relationship good for me? Does it allow me to grow into all I am capable of being?" When the answer is no, when a relationship is destructive, you are able to let go of it without becoming terrified or unduly depressed. You will find a circle of supportive friends and healthy interests to see you through crises.
Your values change; now, rather than your partner, you value your peace of mind and serenity above all else. You lose interest in the struggles, drama and chaos of the past. You become protective of yourself, your health and your well-being. You come to realize that for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who share similar values, interests, and goals, and who each have the capacity for intimacy.
You come to know that you are worthy of the best that life has to offer, and you know that with help, perhaps, you can find a way to achieve that!
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