SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, CHANGING YOUR PATTERNS OF FAILURE

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CHANGING YOUR 

PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR

There are 11 core mental patterns of failure. Whenever you have been unable to: · Stop feeling certain emotions · Do what you know you should do · Say no to things that you know are not good for you, like cigarettes, dessert or a bad relationship · Motivate yourself to move ahead in your career, finances or relationships ...I guarantee that you are running some or all of these 11 failure patterns. You may not be running them in all areas of your life, but they are most certainly running in those 'frustrating' areas where you want to change. Where you can't seem to control yourself. Where you know what you should do and say, but don't do it. Where you can't break that bad habit. If those failure patterns don't get rewired, they will always be there controlling your every emotion and action. Unless you get deep down, clear out those old ways of thinking, and condition in the necessary new patterns to cause change, then your current, undesired, strongest and deepest mental patterns will always be the ones that rise up and automatically take over. Remember, unless you change the way you think and feel: · You'll light another cigarette · You'll have another panic attack · You won't achieve the meaningful goal · You'll continue to loathe exercising · You'll reach for snacks and desserts · You'll continue to feel depressed and hopeless · You'll continue in whatever your particular problem is. Until you break that cycle by rewiring those old patterns of failure-not by telling you what you should do, or teaching, or giving you a how-to manual- but in one of the same ways that they were conditioned in-by time and repetition.

If you change your thinking and don't back it up with repetitive actions.........
you'll leave a void which can lead to other unwanted thought patterns taking over, like stopping smoking and replacing it with overeating. If you change your thinking and don’t change the underlying belief systems, then you're painting a poorly prepared surface, and the 'rust' of your old bad habits and thought patterns will bubble up and come through soon enough. Lasting change requires not only changing beliefs, but changing thinking, along with behavior and action that is congruent with the new underlying beliefs. Repetition and consistency in positive contrary action and behavior creates new ingrained thinking and finally turns into not just a belief but a new truth and a "knowing" A certainty.

There are 11 major mental patterns that cause fear, worry, depression & failure to consistently work against lasting change. These are what keep you stuck and are what blocks you from being able to motivate yourself. These are the 11 mental patterns of failure that cause an inability to feel or perform the way you desire in any situation. Some of these patterns are running constantly, for example, They can be both conscious (aware) or unconscious (unaware) programmed thoughts and emotions, directing you to do the same old things and feel the same old ways that you always have, no matter how much you want to change. As you read the list of the failure patterns below, think long and hard about yourself and your own past results... and note how many of them seem to be describing you! Free yourself of these, and reaching your desired change will be clear sailing...

FAILURE PATTERN #1 Self-esteem and Self-image 

Many people believe deep down that they're just not 'good enough,' or they just can't imagine themselves being 'different' than they are now. This is a very common failure pattern, and is present is many more people than you may think. Even wildly successful people from all walks of life report feelings that they're just not 'that good' or don't quite 'measure up.' If you don't believe deep down that you deserve to have a specific goal or characteristic, or can't see yourself having it or being that person, you won't really go for it and do the things it would take to get it. The truth is, you ARE good enough, you CAN be that new person Right Now! go for any shred of the opposite view and behave in that manner.

FAILURE PATTERN #2 Replaying past failures repeatedly in your mind 


Do you ever find, after making a mistake, that you keep replaying it and all your frustration about it over and over in your mind? Beating yourself up over mistakes and not appreciating the good you've done is a perfect way to destroy motivation and discourage yourself from any further attempt at action. The truth is everyone makes mistakes and mistakes are a perfectly acceptable way to learn. Tell yourself mistakes are not failures, they are lessons. And the only way to learn not to make them is to go through them to the other side of success. No matter what your thinking tells you - pick yourself up and try again.

FAILURE PATTERN #3 Blaming your problem or failure on circumstances or on other people 

Grudges, jealousy, resentment and anger brew bitterness and take your mind off of the most important things... accomplishing worthy goals or making positive changes. Blaming serves only one purpose... making you feel like a victim. And victims don't have power over their lives. The only way to dissolve away all that anger and resentment so you can accept responsibility for your own life, and focus on doing what you need to do to reach your desired goals is through acceptance and forgiveness. When you place blame on other people, you also place your power to change in their hands. As long as you are waiting for them to change, you don’t take responsibility for you own needs to change. It doesn’t matter if it seems fair or not, or if you deserve their treatment of you. What you do deserve is to treat yourself differently, move past what is holding you back and move forward under you own momentum. There is always a choice to do what is right for you.

FAILURE PATTERN #4 Lack of confidence 

This can range from a small, lingering doubt to total disbelief in your ability to reach your goal, whether it be a physical, mental, social, professional or financial goal. Whether it's driven by a fear of humiliation, by past failures, by lack of knowledge or fear of rejection, having little or no faith when trying to reach a goal can cause procrastination, and/or half-hearted efforts, if you ever do start working toward your goal. Acting as if, practice and congruent behavior easily scrambles this pattern and opens you up to unstoppable confidence in your ability to achieve what you want. Visualize yourself walking straight up to the person you think you could never introduce yourself to, feel the feelings of confidence, see yourself with a smile on your face, assertively putting your hand and best foot forward. Practice this scenario over and over in your mind, then practice it with someone you trust.....but most importantly "do" it until you become comfortable with it. Contrary action over time changes beliefs and thinking.


FAILURE PATTERN #5 Positive neuro-associations to unsupportive behaviors, people or things 

In order to achieve a challenging goal or make any big change, it's almost certain that you'll need to break some old, familiar, comfortable routines and 'rewire' some of your unsupportive neuro-associations. These are behavior related chemical changes that hardwire the brains memory pathways. These may be unconscious habits or behaviors you've had for decades. Examples include a love for cigarettes or desserts, being a couch potato or spending an inordinate amount of time making personal phone calls on company time. Regardless of the goal, the ability to let go of old, unsupportive routines and habits is crucial, because they can be gigantic roadblocks to your success. It is almost impossible to say, "I will stop doing (that)". Because as soon as you try work against a ingrained pattern the more resistant it becomes. A better way to achieve lasting change is to say, "I will start doing (this instead). One way of thinking moves your energy against something - the other way moves your energy towards something new. Forward energy in motion is much easier to achieve.
FAILURE PATTERN #6 Negative feelings/associations about any goal supporting habits/behaviors 

Achieving worthy goals frequently involves adopting new routines that you may not currently find fun or desirable. But they are essential for your success. These may include sticking to a regular exercise routine, eating vegetables instead of 'junk,' or managing your time more effectively during your workday, with less personal phone calls. Unless you clear away some or most of the negative associations to your goal supporting behaviors, you will be doomed to fail. Positive Contrary action helps melt away all resistance you may have (whether conscious or unconscious) to the tasks and decisions required to get where you want to be. Just do something new no matter how small it may seem and do it consistently. 

FAILURE PATTERN #7 Fear or anxiety about achieving (or not achieving) your desired change or goal 

Although you may truly long to change something about yourself, there's also the unknown element: What will life be like afterward? Or, what will life be like if I fail? This can generate tremendous fear and anxiety, and cause you to either dismiss your goal, put forth only a half- hearted effort, or thwart your own progress just as you're getting close to achieving what you thought you wanted. Imagine yourself as the new you with ease and grace, visualize the new things you will be doing right down to the last detail, hear the sounds that accompany the new visualization, smell the smells, see the new results as if they were already taking place, describe it, write it down. Say soothing, stress-relieving clearing statements to yourself - all this will program and encourage your mind to dissolve and release all fear and anxiety about the future, about the unknown, and about your ability to be happy with the 'new you.' 

FAILURE PATTERN #8 Mentally 'blowing up' the size of your tasks and responsibilities 

Regardless of their 'true' size, when tasks feel big and difficult, it's often hard to get motivated to even begin. Unless you can truly develop the mental habit of experiencing and plotting the steps toward your goal as small, manageable chunks, you'll cause yourself a lot of undue stress, you'll be less effective, and you may even give up on your aim altogether. By breaking down tasks or responsibility in small baby steps, and then putting just that much effort in to complete that small step - huge tasks and overwhelming responsibilities become small manageable chunks of time and effort. let go of the habit of seeing and feeling your important outcomes as huge, dangerous, impossible tasks, and focus on what you can do right now this minute to begin making a small difference. Small differences acumulate into big accomplishments. 

FAILURE PATTERN #9 Blowing temporary setbacks up to seem huge and permanent 

No matter what you're undertaking, whether it's a physical, financial, professional, mental or social goal, there are bound to be short-term setbacks on the way. When temporary setbacks 'look or feel' large, unsolvable and permanent, you get trapped into a state that doesn't allow you to get answers, or have access to all your mental and physical resources. Unless you can totally accept that setbacks will occur and keep them in perspective when they do, you are open to worry, anxiety and depression...and are likely to quit. Persistent, consistent, positive effort creates perseverance. Stumbling blocks are just a bump in the road they are not "Black Holes" that will swallow you alive. The truth is every single problem has a solution and you can condition your mind to see stumbling blocks as challenges and opportunities to overcome them and keep your problems small in your mind, so that you can think clearly and make the right decisions when they need to be made. 

FAILURE PATTERN #10 Constant mental pictures of future failure or tragedy 

It's always wise to plan for the unexpected, but... ...When you focus a bulk of your mental activity on what could go wrong; if you see nothing but rotten images and failure, it is impossible to be optimistic and hopeful. Disaster thinking, or focusing only on what can go wrong causes you a lot of needless anxiety. And then you're many times more likely to take the 'easy way out' and quit on your goal. The truth is each and every shadow has a light on the other side to cast that shadow. You can command your mind to throw away all pictures of gloom and doom, so you can be open to and embrace the light of your successes. See the opposite outcome and over and over in your mind and imagine yourself stepping into that picture.

FAILURE PATTERN #11 Developing real physical symptoms & illnesses 


The 10 mental patterns listed above can cause incredible anxiety, hopelessness and ultimately, prevent you from getting what you want. Physical symptoms can arise from the stress, including stomach problems, rapid pulse, headaches, high blood pressure, fatigue, sleeplessness, and even some cancers. Our unconscious minds can also conjure up psychosomatic symptoms in order to 'help' us avoid facing things we don't wish to face or to give us an excuse to quit. The truth is the mind is a power tool and the power of beliefe can create "a reality in your life" Thoughts become things. People with multiple personalities have been known and scientifically documented to change their blood chemistry when they shift to the personality that has diabeties in a matter of seconds. Stomach cancers in these people magically appear and disappear just a quickly when they shift from one person to the other. Just think if this powerful process of belief and knowing were consistently reversed to thoughts of health and well-being? 


Those are the 11 patterns of failure. How many times did you see yourself? In addition, now you have a better understanding as to why clearing is so vital. These failure patterns are so strong and controlling, they absolutely must be rewired if you want to succeed in making a change in yourself or reaching a goal. During the clearing process... As the thought and belief patterns that are unsupportive to your goal appear(whether it's starting a habit, ending a habit, increasing confidence ect.) take a contrary action to make a dent in the pattern. Belief patterns are getting reversed and scrambled whenever you take actions that are opposite to your unwanted old patterns. Take the word "can’t" out of your vocabulary and start using empowered, can- do thoughts and attitudes common to people who have easily achieved the same change or goal you are after. So as your new thoughts and belief patterns get conditioned into you through new behavior, it will gradually start to seem natural and easy to do the things that may now seem frightening or impossible... ...Just like the people who feel and perform exactly how you want to feel and perform. They learned thier behaviors and got thier results through practicing them over and over till they became natural character traits. 

The "truth’s" we operate on are often lies we have told ourselves over a period of years. Whether they were voiced by others, created over one time traumatic experiences we have had, or were slowly ingrained over time in conjunction with behaviors to accompany them. They can be changed through the same process of learning new behaviors, actions, which become thoughts and finally new beliefs. 

The choice to change is yours and yours alone - if you back your new choices up with clear consistent action and follow through over a period of time......you will create the new person you want to be and live the life that you formerly imagined will become your reality. 

Change your "truth" and you change your life! 

What do you want your life to look like? Make a healthy choice! And make that choice your truth. 

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, ADDICTION RECOVERY AND LONELINESS



I AM IN THE PROCESS OF INCORPORATING AS A
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LYNN NELSON
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For any questions please call the phone numbers listed in my 
profile or e-mail me at LynnNelson6489@hotmail.com




LONELINESS AND ADDICTION RECOVERY



I think about all of the isolating that I did in my active  addiction. Is it any wonder that a lot of us experience a sense of loneliness in addiction recovery?

In addiction you have distanced yourself from almost all of the positive people in your life and have instead chosen to surround yourself with people who have the same addictive qualities as yourself.   Once you enter into recovery and have cut ties with the “wrong type of people” you may be left with the feeling of loneliness.

In know in my own life during different periods of my using I either hung with people just like me or I totally isolated.  At the end of my addiction I became very isolated and was very successful in my isolating. When the time came when I was clean there wasn’t that much change in the number of people I was around (0), just a change in how it affected me.

When I was using drinking or drugging I didn’t mind being by myself. I was able to deny to myself that I was feeling lonely…the drugs helped me out with that. So when I wasn’t using the alcohol and drugs anymore the sense of loneliness was crushing.

The biggest obstacle in my early recovery was  myself. I guess you take someone who over their entire life has been burned a few times by getting close to people, doesn’t feel comfortable enough to show emotion in front of other people, and who has an addictive thought pattern and you have the perfect recipe for the defense mechanism called…isolation.

The way that I began to bring myself out of isolation was by keeping busy.  I attended meetings, any type of meeting, my entire personality had flaws if I can even consider myself ever really having a personality that was not some sort of facade. Even though sharing my thoughts and emotions with a room of strangers went against every instinct in myself, rationally I knew I needed to.  I volunteered my time to feed the homeless sometimes spending my last dollar to buy the food.  I read books, took walks, researched the internet everything I could about addiction and recovery to gain knowledge.  Just about anything to keep my mind occupied and out of myself and my thoughts.

What I found out was after I would open up to others I felt a whole lot better. Just saying the words out loud sometimes  freed me up inside.  Today I can actually say God is the first one I speak to.  I have learned to set bounderies and not let people take advantage of me which gets rid of the distrust of people.  You will no longer attract those types of people.  I have learned to wake up every morning with a clear head knowing I am never alone again and am in my recovery and my life.



SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR IN YOUR RECOVERY

5,000 people die every ten minutes from this disease either directly or indirectly.  Let's do something!!!!!!








I AM IN THE PROCESS OF INCORPORATING AS A
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GRATEFULNESS

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR

IN YOUR RECOVERY




  Finding Gratefulness: A Recovery Tip For Addicts

Recovering from addiction is not easy. As addicts, to break the ingrained relational patterns that has caused us so much pain takes time, patience, and persistence. Face it; as human beings rarely in our lives do great things do not come easy. If you are an addict with a genuine desire to recover – I strongly encourage you to-- never give upno matter how much you slip, no matter how many mistakes, no matter how many times you fall into the old painful love addicted patterns in your effort to change. There is hope.
A healthier life, fulfilling love, and authentic inner-love will come if you justkeep putting one foot in front of the other. It often feels cumbersome, overwhelming, and distressing on our path to recovering.
During this journey-, I believe it is critical we sometimes put focus on things we can be grateful for in our lives today. This is not always an easy thing to do, especially early in recovery. If you discover difficulty in being grateful in your life this day, then read the following:


If The World Were a Village of 100 People...


If the world were a village of 100 people, of the 100 people in this village:
  • 50 live in poverty

  • 53 live on less than $2.00 a day

  • 66 of adults are illiterate

  • 24 do not have electricity

  • 93 do not own a computer

  • 30 are unemployed (many others are underemployed)

  • 28 work in agriculture

  • 20 of them are undernourished

  • 20 have no clean, safe water to drink

  • 44 have no access to clean sanitation

  • Only 70 people of the 100 own an automobile

  • Just under half of the married women in the village have access to and use modern contraceptives.

  • In one year, 28 babies will be born. Ten people will die, 3 of them for lack of food, 1 from cancer, 2 of the deaths are of babies born within the year.

  • If you do not live in fear of death by bombardment, armed attack, landmines, or of rape or kidnapping by armed groups, then you are more fortunate than 20, who do.

  • If you can speak and act according to your faith and your conscience without harassment, imprisonment, torture or death, then you are more fortunate than 48 of the 100 villagers.

  • If you have money in the bank, money in your wallet and spare change somewhere around the house, then you are among the richest 8 of them.

  • If you can read this message, that means you are probably lucky!


Now ask yourself: What can you be grateful for today?

I know when I was using I took a lot for granite. Nothing was ever enough.  Everyone was lucky except for poor me.  Recovery has taught me to appreciate the necessities that I have today.  






THE PROMISES



(properly known as the "9th Step Promises")


If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. (Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 83-84)

SOBER AND SEXY BLOG, FREEDOM FROM CHAOS AND DRAMA

I AM IN THE PROCESS OF INCORPORATING AS A
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THE THREE ROLES OF THE DRAMA AND CHAOS TRIANGLE



    The three roles of the Drama Triangle are the three main positions that unhappy families play as described by transactional therapist, Stephen Karpman in 1968. The three roles are Perpetrator, rescuer and Victim that operate to keep people in the illusion of power. The roles incorporate learned patterns of habit and control mechanisms that bond people together in sick ways. They are symbiotic, destructive behaviors that affect all members of the family. Karpman drew these roles on an inverted triangle with the Persecutor (whose behavior ranges from the dominant one to the abuser in the family) and the Rescuer at the upper end of the triangle and the Victim at the bottom. The two positions at the top are considered the “one-up” positions where the people feel superior while the Victim is at the “one-down” position feeing looked down on and helplessness. The positions often shift as people change emotions to protect the ego which feels threatened. The Victim may become angry at the injustice of being persecuted, thereby shifting into the Perpetrator role. The Abuser may become tired with his angry barrage then feel guilty and shift into the rescuing role. These roles are unconscious scripts of how unhealthy family life is played out that keep people disconnected from true intimacy. They manifest in behaviors that people engage in to distance and disconnect from each other. They are the ways people attempt to stay safe, feel important and stroke their own egos. Participating in the drama of the triangle keeps people stuck in lies, blame and shame, unhealthy secrets, “shoulds” and addictions to crisis, chaos and manipulation. The Drama Triangle positions are largely unconscious in nature and kept in place by denial, arrogance, helplessness and collusion (tacit agreement from all players to keep the status quo.) Unconscious scripts of guilt, shame are programmed into the young child’s psyche. Themes of desperation form around the roles—themes of depression, alcoholism, abuse, incest, scapegoating, manipulation and codependency. These thematic patterns are passed down from one generation to the next. According to one authority, approximately one fourth of all families have some version of having a tyrant member who tells the others what to do. All roles are perpetuated by the denial of feelings first in the self and then in others. Denial is the defense mechanism that keeps people acting out in unconscious, perverted ways instead of seeing the reality of how they hurt themselves and others. The huge stash of denied feelings continues to build over a life time to perpetuate the misery in the person’s life by alienating him/her from loving connections with a partner or with children. The children in the family learn all three roles and as adults perpetuate them on to their children. According to their personality type, they choose a primary role but have the other two roles at their disposal to bring up in specific situations. Each family member “moves around the triangle” shifting roles as needed. Each person has a primary role, but can shift to another role to maintain the illusion of power. With others outside the family, different roles are played depending on how much the relationship is valued and what healthy boundaries have been set in place. For example, a man might be dominant and abusive at home, but be subservient to his boss at work. Psychotherapist, Lynn Forrest described how there is typically a primary position which the person identifies the most with. “Our primary positions are generally set-up in childhood. For instance, if a parent is overly protective, doing everything for a child, then that child may grow up to feel incapable of taking care of themselves. This sets them up for a life-time role of Victim. Or, the opposite; they might come to feel angry and vindictive if others don't take care of them, thereby adopting a primary Persecutor stance.” In healthy families, there can be a minor version of these roles which erupt more so when huge stressors hit. Instead of the abusive Perpetrator dynamic, there is a dominant partner with the other partner going along with decisions but little drama as shown in traditional marriages. In healthy families there is honesty and permission to talk about acting out behaviors of others with problem solving instead of abuse, giving in and enabling. You can learn how healthy families interact and break into the negative roles. (See John Gottman’s research on how healthy families communicate with each other.)
    Addictions Create Havoc in Families
    Severe addictions always cause major destructive role playing. One form of the Perpetrator is the “nice guy” who turns mean while drinking. Another form is the angry person who rages when using drugs or alcohol. The alcoholic who withdraws regularly into stupor is a form of neglect. Addictions in some family members correspondingly bring up rescuing and victimhood in others big time. The deeper that one or more family members move into destructive addictions, the bigger the family drama will become. An article from Al Anon illustrates how family members can shift Drama Triangle positions in their despair and frustration. “It is appalling how well the alcoholic controls the family, especially the wife, husband or mother. The alcoholic drinks again and again. The family screams, cries, yells, begs, pleads, prays, threatens or practices the silent treatment. It also covers up, protects and shields the alcoholic from the consequences of drinking. It the alcoholic continues to act like a little god, it is because the family is inadequate in opposing this attitude and abets the preservation of the illusion of omnipotence.” Rescuing and enabling interrupt the natural aversive consequences of the roles. Sometimes people need to experience the painful consequences of their choices. Sometimes they need to suffer and hit bottom before they understand that they need to change. For example, a restraining order and being court ordered to anger management classes after domestic violence gives the shake up and reality check that the perpetrator needs. He needs to suffer the pain of aversive consequences rather than have the family members continue to suffer his destructive behavior.
    Playing the Roles always Create Lose—Lose—Lose. No One Wins in the Drama Triangle.
    All positions:
    • cause pain.
    • come from denied pain.
    • perpetuate lies and unhealthy secrets.
    • come from a sense of shame and cause shame.
    • come from feelings of unworthiness.
    • are about a loss of personal power.
    • perpetuate guilt and a “sick sense of love.”
    • keep people caught in dysfunctional behavior.
    • are passed down to the next generation of children.

    The Roles that Keep You Stuck in Unhappy RelationshipsRemember that you can have some traits of each of the roles and switch back and forth between them! Perpetrator—“I Get To Feel Safe by Hurting Others and Putting Them Down”
    • Stuck in a false sense of superiority and defense mechanisms keep people in denial.
    • Addictive role—feeling the adrenalin rush during anger and rage. Getting high from fighting and witnessing fights. (If you get energized watching the Jerry Springer show, you might check out adrenalin addiction.)
    • Unconsciously uses anger as an energizer to keep depression at bay.
    • Needs to be in control and uses verbal or physical force to stay in power.
    • Deals with threat, new ideas and conflict with anger to stay safe in the role of being the dominant person.
    • Uses blame, criticisms, attacks and then venting to release stress.
    • Is highly judgmental of others and angry when others do not do what they say.
    • Self righteous judgments about others weaknesses subtly allows the weakness to continue.
    • Strong sense of entitlement—“you owe me” and willing to use verbal or physical force to get it.
    • Feelings of frustration trigger the right to get angry rather than deal with own uncomfortable feelings.
    • Unable to feel vulnerable and denies own weaknesses.
    • Shame based and uses negative behaviors to cover up/deny own problems.
    • Strong need to be right and not have their authority challenged.
    • Finds reasons to make others wrong and scapegoats them.
    • Believes others deserve the abuse and punishment the Perpetrators dishes out.
    • May have had a parent who modeled aggressive behavior and winning through force.
    • May have had a parent who spoiled the child setting up feelings of entitlement and getting his way.
    Rescuer—“I Get to Feel Safe by Enabling Others”
    • Stuck in a false superiority with defense of acting unselfishly to help others.
    • Addictive role—feeling good at the expense of others rights to take care of themselves.
    • Good guy beliefs, such as takes the “high moral ground” of rescuing and enabling others.
    • Needs to be in control of others to avoid own feelings and problems.
    • Garnering self-esteem by being seen as unselfish for someone else’s own good.
    • Uses rescuing and enabling to connect or to feel important.
    • Highly judgmental of others and angry when others do not do what he/she says.
    • Blames Perpetrator for problems in the family while refusing to address one’s own problems.
    • Is anxiety driven and uses rescuing to reduce feelings of anxiety.
    • Guilts self when not involved with other’s problems.
    • Has shame about loss of self to meet others needs.
    • Super caretaker role can create sense of giving own self away and create depression.
    • Strong sense of entitlement with the Victim of “You owe me because of all I’ve done for you.”
    • Can become a martyr/Victim when he/she feels that he/she has been taken advantage of by others.
    • Parents the child though meeting his/her own needs of shame and guilt rather than meeting the needs of the child to be a responsible person who is allowed negative consequences and learns from them.
    • May feel guilty and try to make it up to a child because of a divorce or due to choosing a lousy spouse who abuses, scapegoats or neglects the child.
    • May feel guilty and try to make it up to a child because of drinking or using drugs when the child was small, neglecting the child or being a single mom.
    • May feel guilty and try to make it up to a child because of a handicapping condition or a perceived weakness in the child.
    Victim—“I Get to Feel Safe by being Submissive”
    • Stuck in a false sense of being unworthy with defenses of feeling sorry for self and passive aggressive behavior.
    • Deals with threats by giving in, in order to feel safe and is submissive when others act inappropriately.
    • Unable to stand up for self and avoids confrontation.
    • Believes his/her needs do not count.
    • Can be overly sensitive, wish-washy and unable to make and stick to decisions.
    • Doesn’t take responsibility for own feelings.
    • Feeds off of the beliefs of Perpetrator and rescuer that he/she cannot take care of self.
    • Has shame base for being irresponsible and inept.
    • Is anxiety driven and makes excuses for staying stuck in Victim-hood.
    • Blames Perpetrator for problems in the family.
    • Anger, resentment and retaliation through manipulation and refusal to act as a responsible adult.
    • Moves between “Poor me” and anger with blaming others “He/she is bad.”
    • Angry when goes along with what the Perpetrator or Rescuer says to do.
    • Feels stuck and unfulfilled in life but does not risk moving forward.
    • May have had a lenient or overly-protective parent who set up expectations of helplessness.
    • May have had a parent who feels anxiety when the child has to suffer natural consequences from mistakes.
    A Fourth Role—The Neglector—“I Get to Do What I Want and Ignore the Needs of Others”
    While Karpman did not describe this dynamic, the Neglectful Parent can cause anger, trauma and fears of abandonment in children.
    • Involved in own interests and needs and does not recognize the needs of the children.
    • Is self involved and withdraws from family connections to meet needs outside the home.
    • Highly involved in career, hobbies, volunteer work, affair, drinking or drugging. 
    • Leaves children to fend for themselves. 
    • Can be absent-minded not there or cold and rejecting. 
    • Expects oldest child (usually a girl) to raise the younger children.
    • Sometimes expects a child to take care of their needs. This creates a parentified child who has to give up their childhood to take care of others. The parentified child grows up learning codependency at an early age and is often angry at missing out on getting to be a child.
    A Fifth Role--The Wise, Resilient Child—“I’m Not Like Them!”
    Another dynamic not described by Karpman is the child in the family who is often wiser than the parents who knows from an early age that things are not right in the family. This child understands that there must be a better way to live than to keep wounding each other with offensive behavior. He or she starts to look outside the home for positive role models—a teacher, neighbor, healthy relative, friend’s parent or coach. If the child has talent, he/she is reinforced with attention and encouragement for his hard work. He/she becomes resilient in dealing with the dysfunction of the family and seeks healthier people to hang out with. He/she works hard and his/her identity becomes associated with hard work and talent. High achievement becomes the new defense to bolster up self esteem, but it makes the person one sided. Achievement becomes the self esteem rather than balancing all the skills necessary to form connection and create a happy family life.
    The resilient child becomes successful in life due his/her incorporation of positive work skills. Working hard and even workholism becomes a defense strategy to feel good and getting the praise that comes with being seen as an excellent worker. All may go well for many years until working hard to keep self esteem high is not enough. The person starts to feel empty and have the sense that something is missing in their life as he/she has literally withdrawn from contact in the family he has created. He/she starts to feel the imbalance that spending long hours on the job or on hobbies has created. Having only limited defenses—working hard and perhaps drinking or drugging, the person turns more to what has worked in the past—working harder. But achievement no longer is enough to fill the void inside. At this time, there may be a crisis--perhaps a mid life crisis. The defense of achievement does not work any more. At this juncture in life, there is a choice. The resilient child grown up can either crash into depression or acting out in addictions OR start to examine the early pain of being brought up in a Drama Triangle family where unhealthy behaviors were the daily norm. This can be a shake up time where the person decides to go into recovery and address the pain of the past. It may take the form of searching for a spiritual identity and true meaning in life. Some people believe this shake-up time is the Soul’s calling.
    The Call from the Soul
    The Soul reaches out to get the person to examine the unresolved pain of the past to provoke personal and spiritual growth. There are certain developmental milestones across life where the personal pain is so great that the person is willing to be open and stop some of the defenses he/she has built up. The pain of the past has to be addressed. Severe pain of the present life can be an impetus to get the person to wake up and learn, stretch and grow spiritually. The call from the Soul comes forth to spur the person into becoming the best person they can be.
    Creating the Escape Hatch—Rising Above the Drama Triangle
    Some family members find it easier to get into recovery and change than others. Rescuers and Victims are usually more sensitive people and are more likely to read books, attend self help meetings and come to therapy to get help. Perpetrators are less likely to change as they seem to have a bigger dose of arrogance, defensiveness, shame and denial to overcome. Of course, the recovery is dependent upon seeing and releasing the underlying needs that the Drama Triangle roles feed into.
    Sometimes other family members see the value of getting healthy in their interactions with others; others do not. You can interrupt your Drama Triangle role playing and change the way you interact with family members. The whole recovery movement—therapy, self help books, AA and other help yourself groups, Oprah and Dr. Phil—teaches you how to change YOUR part of the dynamics of interacting with others. You can only change yourself. You can learn to be direct and straight with people without playing games. Education is the first key. Understand and observe the roles that you play and how you shift from aggressor to Victim to rescuer. Healthy relationships can happen if you are willing to work and change yourself and learn to act in ways that form intimate connections. Through imagery, see yourself in the middle of the triangle. Observe yourself when you start to go into thoughts, feelings and behaviors of the Perpetrator, Victim and rescuer roles. Rise above the roles through being mindful. Mindfulness is noticing what is happening rather than reacting to it. Watch how you are about to get hooked back in—observe your emotions and body reactions that indicate that you are being triggered. From up above, look down on the behaviors of the people involved—not to judge but to understand. Become accountable and own all thoughts, feelings and behaviors that keep you in the drama roles. Take care of yourself and your feelings and problems done. Expect and insist that others take care of their feelings and problems. Make getting clean your number one priority with your behavior. Address addictions and co-dependent behaviors through self help groups such as AA, AlAnon and Codependents of American Anonymous. There is tremendous, loving help out there if you but reach out and ask for it! Stop the blame and shame game. Interrupt all blame either for self or others. Watch for attitudes and behaviors of “Who did it? Who can be blamed?” Looking for someone to be called on the carpet when something goes wrong is a constant in dysfunctional families. You can go one of two ways when there is an issue: You can look for someone to blame OR you can start problem solving. The habit of blaming comes from being judgmental. Address your constant need to judge others when they do not meet your standards and values. Mind your own business! And don’t give too much credence to negative people’s opinion of you. Remind yourself, “What ____ thinks of me is none of my business. My business is to change so that I think well of myself.” Address any irrational beliefs that you should be perfect. Error correction is analyzing your mistakes and deciding to act differently next time. The moment you realize that you have goof up, you have a choice: You can beat yourself up or you can figure out what you did wrong through problem solving. Stop self condemnation and learn from your mistakes. Put yourself around positive people who don’t have the need to play the roles of the Drama Triangle. Insist on equality in relationships. Insist that people treat each other with respect. Figure out your values and what you will and will not put up with in your life. Set boundaries and stick to them giving consequences to those who continually go past the limits you have set. Your Bottom Line is that place where you decide to walk away when someone acts in ways you can no longer live with. Discontinue relationships with friends who use or abuse you. Examine the dark sides of your personality and make friends with it. The shadow parts are those denied, repressed, acting out aspects of yourself which were formed during early family trauma. Keep your ears and eyes open and learn about your nasty behaviors which you may abhor. Keep your wisdom and heart open when you revert to the worst of yourself—these parts, when healed, hold many gifts for you. Learn release techniques for processing unhappy memories of the past and current negative emotions. The techniques of hypnosis, imagery, cognitive behavioral interruption of negativity, Eye Movement Desensitization (EMDR), Thought Field Therapy (TFT), The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), The Tapas Acupressure Technique (TAT) and many others help process and release issues. Yes, you can do a lot to help yourself, but therapy is the fast track to moving off the Drama Triangle. When there has been severe dysfunction in families, you can’t get to the depth of your pain on your own without an objective guide. Find a therapist who does not just let you talk. If you’ve been with the same therapist for some time and seem stuck, consider a new approach. Therapists who know the processing techniques listed above have better recovery success than ones who just listen to you. Forgive yourself for learning the roles in the past and understand that you learned what was modeled for you. Therapists who use spiritual approaches to therapy are more likely to use techniques that help you forgive yourself and those who hurt you. One of the best techniques to promote forgiveness and moving on with your life is the Emotional Freedom Technique. This fast, effective technique incorporates forgiveness statement along with affirmations and acupressure to promote relaxation which helps neutralize strong emotions and attachment to problems. Learn congruence which is the art of having your outside behavior match your inside feelings. In congruence, all thoughts, body states, emotions and actions are similar. When you are congruent, you state your feelings and act in a direct, fair manner. Make a new contract with friends and family members that you are going to avoid game playing and speak in fair, firm ways and express feelings. Learn the “I formula” and use it when appropriate—“I feel _____ when you _____. Understand that others will not change just because you express your feelings. Get professional help early on for children who show signs of the dysfunction in the family. Anger issues, suicidal gestures, depression, use of alcohol and drugs and refusal to do school work, failing and dropping out of school are all signs of a child’s cry for help. Often the child’s acting out behavior is a barometer for the family, signaling that there is unaddressed family pain. Many families find help in getting off some of the Drama Triangle by first bringing a child who is hurting to therapy. Interventions—confrontations with loving intent—can help bring insight and change to the family sometimes. When you come from a place of centeredness and love, you can ask a family member to look at their abusing, enabling or staying in Victim attitudes and behavior. Be prepared to get denial, anger or abuse in return. The two rules in unhappy families are don’t shake up the system and don’t threaten the status quo. Understand that as you get healthy and refuse to play the Drama game, your family members may become angry and see you as bad if you refuse to play the old, manipulative games or call them on their dysfunctional behavior. If you stop bailing out irresponsible family members with your money and attention, you will be called selfish. Some people choose to dissociate themselves from their game-playing family as they become healthy. If they do not pull away completely, they limit the amount of time they spend with dysfunctional members of their family. They shorten family visits where there is excessive use of alcohol and verbal abuse. They drop in on holidays before people become drunk and abusive instead of spending the entire day. There is strength in numbers. Get together with members of the family who are ready to address the pain. Family dysfunction has to be recognized and processed. If you are the only one in recovery, get a support group of like minded people who are working on their own releases from Drama Triangle roles.
    Healthy Skills for each Role Player to Leave the Drama Triangle
    Perpetrator Role
    • Stop denying that you reject, punish, or persecute others.
    • Face the horrific reality that you have damaged others by your unrealistic expectations and anger. 
    • Give up the need to be right and feel self righteous and superior to others.
    • Stop rationalizing and justifying domineering beliefs and behaviors.
    • Get honest with yourself—tell yourself the truth! Own the effects of your loud voice, angry stare and cold shoulder on others. Catch and interrupt yourself when you increase the volume and force to get your way.
    • When others disagree with you, ask yourself, “Am I really being threatened or is it just a difference of opinion?”
    • Learn how your use of force makes you feel powerful and find healthy ways to feel good about yourself.
    • Own how you are energized by getting angry. Identify the adrenalin rush that anger gives you.
    • Find new, healthy highs and energizing experiences to replace the adrenalin high of anger.
    • Attend anger management classes to learn anger containment and anger release techniques.
    • Attend parenting classes to learn about children’s age appropriate behavior and learn appropriate discipline techniques. 
    • Monitor anger and take a time-out by walking away before you become verbally or physically abusive. 
    • Learn to feel vulnerable with uncomfortable feelings instead of exploding out in anger when stressed or threatened. 
    • Learn and use the Intentional Dialogue Technique (Harville Hendrix’s Imago Therapy) to feel empathy and compassion for others. 
    • Apologize to those you have harmed and begin the repair work to set the family on a healthy course. 
    • Get a life where you can live in peace, without anger!
    Rescuer Role
    • Catch yourself in the act of feeling good because you helped someone. Stop basing your self-esteem on helping others. 
    • Give up the need to feel superior because you are the good guy who always helps others. 
    • Address your self esteem needs to control others and know what is best for them. 
    • Address your own problems, shortcomings and negative emotions instead of focusing on other people. 
    • Set limits about solving other people’s problems and put ALL of your energy in to solving your own.
    • Learn the “hooks”—how others use guilt and manipulation to pull you into the Drama Triangle. 
    • Stop rationalizing and justifying your caretaking and enabling behavior. 
    • Stop feeling sorry for other people and giving them advice, money or support. 
    • When others overwhelm you with their problems, tell them you are not qualified to deal with such deep issues and suggest they get professional help. 
    • Get clean and sober with your codependency. Read at least five books on codependency and do the mind-opening exercises. 
    • Attend Adult Children of Alcoholics and AlAnon, get a sponsor and work the steps. 
    • Deal with your anger of being the good little girl or boy and the parentified child who did not get to have a childhood. 
    • Read five books on the heavy emotion of shame. Do the exercises in the books to help release shame. 
    • Interrupt guilty feelings when you refrain from unnecessary giving by reminding yourself that your old family programming is coming up. 
    • Define your new self esteem as a person who takes care of your own feelings, thoughts, actions and problems. 
    • Bow out of the drama and encourage the Victim to stand up to the Perpetrator whenever possible. 
    • Take an assertiveness course. 
    • Get a life where you are responsible only for yourself!
    Victim Role
    • Stop expecting someone else to rescue you. Think and problem solve for yourself. Act boldly. 
    • Take responsibility for your feelings, thoughts and actions that contribute to your Victim role. 
    • Be authentic with others and learn to state your feelings and your needs firmly. 
    • Learn the body sensations and reactions that signal you are about to collapse into helplessness. 
    • Listen to your constant Victim statements and break into them. 
    • Address the terror and release traumatic memories of being abused by Perpetrator. 
    • Learn to handle confrontation and deal with other people’s anger. 
    • Study Learned Helplessness and Learned Optimism (Martin Seligman) and apply the ideas from his research to your life. 
    • Challenge any belief or thoughts that say you are unworthy and can’t take care of yourself. 
    • Decide what you expect and state your minimum standard of behavior that you consider to be decent treatment from others. 
    • Set limits with Perpetrators and rescuers and walk away if they don’t respect your boundaries. 
    • Stop blaming the Perpetrator and rescuer and focus on getting out from under their influence. 
    • Deal with your anger at being scapegoated and punished by others and your taking on the victim role. 
    • Start a self nurturing, self care program to bolster your ability to take care of your own needs. 
    • Take an assertiveness training course. Read five books on assertiveness. Take the course again. 
    • Surround yourself with new, positive friends and define yourself as an independent person who can handle life’s problems. 
    • Get a life where you are responsible for yourself!
    Hello. My Name is _____ and I’m in Recovery from the Drama Triangle
    Get honest. Recovery from family dysfunction is a time of facing the truth about your childhood and delving into the dark hole of lies, manipulations and devious behaviors that exist inside of you. It is about examining how you treat others and allow them to treat you. Drama Triangle work is Soul work. It is a call from your highest self to address the guilt, shame and sense of unworthiness within that percolates up and refuses to go away. You can create the space to watch and address your thoughts and behaviors as they present themselves daily. Really get it that your playing out the familiar roles of Perpetrator, Rescuer and Victim does not serve you. It does not serve others. It is just something you have learned because it was modeled for you. So you need not have guilt or feel ashamed for what you have learned living in your family. As learned patterns of habit, the attitudes and behaviors that make up all the roles of the Drama Triangle can be unlearned. To do nothing to change the roles guarantees that thing will remain the same. Real love in a family is a combination of checks and balances—calling a person on his inappropriate behavior when necessary and giving enthusiastic support for strivings for growth. Unconditional love given to disrespectful or destructive behavior reinforces the Perpetrator role as it does not provide any motivation for change. Unconditional love given to rescuing, enabling or victim behavior enhances continuing dysfunction. Real love is honest and asks the people in the family to become the best they can be without shaming or guilting. The ability to share feelings honestly and respectfully is one sign of healthy behavior in a family. Real love communicates a belief of positive regard for the person. It expects and gives respect to all family members. The undoing of the pain is an ongoing process of emotional and spiritual maturity across the lifespan. It can be hastened through study, observation and confrontation of negative behaviors. You learn, stretch and grow each as you mindfully watch your interactions with others. The techniques from Energy Psychology Therapy and Imago Therapy are so easy to learn to help you release negativity with amazing quickness. Forgiveness is the ultimate key to true change and recovery. It can’t be forced, but by studying this humbling process of release, it comes, sometimes out of the blue, to take you to a place of higher consciousness. Forgiveness happens gradually for some as there is a realization as Virginia Satir said, “We are all victims of victims of victims.” Forgiveness is threefold: forgiveness of self, others and whatever you call God. Start with yourself to accept that you are a person with strong feelings that were born of trauma and injustice that call out now for transformation. That’s why the Course in Miracles and the Emotional Freedom Technique have such depth. They have a process to touch into forgiveness which you can apply daily to bring about an overall acceptance and surrender of the injustices and betrayals that happened in your life to come to a place of calmness. Remember, recovery from your family pain is a day-to-day process. Life becomes brighter and more cheerful when you address your personal pain. With practice and mindfulness, you can break down those walls of delusion of dysfunctional behavior you have built in a misguided attempt to stay safe. Make honesty the only language you speak. In your recovery from lies, deceits, and manipulation, decide to be as honest as you can and treat those you love with respect. The process of recovery is being mindful as you heed that call from your Soul to wake up and become all that you can be.